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At Just the Right Time

My normal walk route is two miles. One mile up to the light and one mile back. After about a mile going up the street, the incline starts to get more noticeable. Once I pass the town houses I know that I’m going to have to start pushing. I swing my arms even faster. I stretch my legs even further- almost taking lunges. And for about three long blocks, it’s an upward climb.

And this climb gets me every time. When I first started walking this route I would have to pause about halfway through the three long blocks. Now I’ve done it enough that I can power straight through, but it’s still a little rough. I sweat a little extra more. My breathing becomes heavier. It’s a push, and my body can sense the challenge.

But the reality is that it’s only three long blocks. In the entirety of the walking route, it’s probably only half a mile. It’s really quite nothing in comparison to the whole.

And that’s what’s getting me through this tricky season… Knowing that it’s just a blip in the span of eternity.

Because this time period where I’m away from family is not eternal. Dad comes on Thursday, Cas comes in June, and mom will probably weasel her way into coming before her annual birthday trip. The sadness I feel from being away from family and not getting to go on cousin snow trips will vanish as soon as I’m reunited with them. It’s not a forever sadness.

And the season where I feel like I lack solid support systems will fade away as new friendships start to take root. Because I’ve been telling myself more and more to be social, to give people chances, to step out of comfort zones and go to dinner at 10 PM even if that’s your usual bedtime. It’s not a forever loneliness.

Then these days where I feel like I can’t breathe, can’t function, and can’t muster up the courage to eat, those days will pass too. The uncontrollable tears and this grief as my favorite friendship fades away will become more manageable. I’ve gone through them enough that I know I can power straight through, but it’s still a little rough. It’s not a forever heartache.

The catch though- as reassuring as it is to know this pain won’t last forever- is that some things take time.

I hate this cliché. Time heals all wounds.

Yes, with time challenges don’t become challenges anymore. With time friendships and emotions and struggles change. But I am not a girl who wants to give it time. I want the resolution right now.

So you see how I am stuck.

Because in time things will get better. And in the greater scheme of life, these times of hurt are miniscule to a life well lived. But I want to feel better right now.

I want the fairytale I’ve always dreamed up right now. I want the house with the white picket fence now. I want the copper colored golden doodle right now. I want the daughter that looks like a carbon copy of me right now. Now. I want it now.

Ultimately what I’m saying is that I am over this challenging season God, and I am ready to move onto the next step right now.

And the scariest part about a demand that strong is that I am so willing to give up what I have in front of me to get the next thing. A next thing that I have dreamed up because I felt like that’s what I should be doing. A next thing that will completely change my life and never let me return to where I am now.

My cousin once warned me to not strive for the next season. She said the next season will come faster than you know it, and sure enough you’ll be knee deep in the next season and you’ll never get to go backwards. Life will never be the same again. You’ll never get your singleness back. You’ll never have married life without kids back. You’ll never get young kids running around the house back. You live your life always wanting to get to the next season that once you get there you realize how little you spent just enjoying the season you were in.

And I don’t know what’s more painful, the hurt I currently feel that in my dramatic world feels like it is going to last forever, or the thought that I could be wasting away this season as I wish so deeply to get out of it.

Nobody ever wants to sit in hurt. And if you do you might have mental issues to which I highly suggest seeking help. But most people, myself 100% included, do not want to sit in the discomfort that life so often brings us. We want to move through life seamlessly with ease and without much getting in the way of what we want right now. But that’s not realistic.

And I guess if walking up and down the hill has taught me anything, the answer would be to accept the uphill climb just as much as you’re willing to accept the breezy walk back down. Because life will provide you with a fair share of discomfort and pain that you know won’t last forever but also just want to get the hell out of. But it will also bring you into unique seasons that can never be replicated.

And I believe I’m strong enough to experience fully both at just the right time. Not necessarily the time that I have in my schedule. But the time that God knows is perfectly perfect.

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