I’m ok when I’m at work. I’m ok when I’m at Bar Method. I’m even ok when I’m sitting on the bench outside my apartment reading a book.
It’s when I stop working or stop moving or stop doing something that it starts to hurt again.
That’s when the silence starts to scream at me and remind me of all the things I’m trying to avoid as I try to keep myself busy.
And as much as the distractions work for the time being, I can’t pretend like they aren’t just that- distractions. They’re temporary moments when I don’t have to think about what’s really bothering me. Because distractions aside, the honest truth is that I miss my best friend.
I miss talking to somebody who cared about my day. I miss seeing someone everyday who didn’t need me to do something for them but rather could just sit next to me and be ok. I miss doing life with someone who maybe knew me better than anyone else I’ve known before.
It might not make sense. I can’t say that I understand it myself. But I’m not going to sit here and act like it’s not making me go crazy. To lose someone so important and valuable in my life in what feels like a blink of an eye. It hurts and I hate it.
But what might be worse is that my best friend doesn’t miss me. I don’t think so. I don’t think at all. Because if they missed me then maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe we wouldn’t be in a broken relationship without communication. Maybe if they missed me and they cared enough, then we could have figured it out. We could have made it work.
Instead we’re here.
I feel sad. Most days there’s this emptiness that weighs me down and I just can’t shake it.
Then every Sunday I wake up feeling like it’ll happen all over again. I think to myself that I’ll just be going about my day when suddenly the world flips upside down. Because that’s how it happened in the first place. I went on a hike and then came home and then you didn’t want to talk to me anymore. So now I have this strange PTSD where I think every Sunday something I love will be ripped away from me.
And this is how it’s been for the past few months.
I miss you terribly, but I don’t think you miss me even just an ounce.