Today feels like a twisted joke. Like everything that has taken an emotional toll on me this year rolled itself up and then smacked me with physical pain.
Maybe I spoke too soon. Here I was bragging about my incredible immune system- which really up until this point it has been a fantastic immune system. Now here I am sicky and feeling icky.
Please send help.
After getting back to California after an 11-hour plane ride, I crashed and fell asleep on the floor. Then when I finally woke up and moved to the bed, I slept for maybe 5 hours before waking up at 4 AM. 4 AM California time.
Fast forward 24 hours, and I only slept for an hour on the flight back to Hawaii. One hour. One. After I landed I had dinner with my cousins where fiasco after fiasco ensued, and I didn’t get back home and to bed until well after midnight. That’s 3 AM California time. In a nearly 24-hour time span, I slept a total of one hour.
Then this morning I was up at 4 AM to drive my cousin to the airport. I thought I’d fall back asleep when I got home but instead I let myself process my emotions. Great in the moment, regret it now.
Out of the need to be responsible, I took two COVID tests before going in to work to see the kids. After 15 minutes, the tests were all clear so I got up to get ready to leave. As I was about to head out the door I picked up the COVID tests to toss in the trash. That’s when I saw it. Two very, very, very faint lines. Positive.
Needless to say, I didn’t go into work. I took two more at home COVID tests and went to take a PCR test. I took a 6-hour nap, ate a bowl of arroz caldo, and boiled myself in a hot shower. What a day.
I’m still waiting on my PCR test results, but COVID or not, today has been terrible.
My nose is congested. I feel cold even though we all know it’s not cold in Hawaii. I’m tired. I don’t have an appetite to eat. And my head hurts if I move around too much.
I never get sick.
The last time I was even close to “sick” was when I felt chilly on the playground and wore a sweatshirt. That was back in 2019. Before that I think I ran myself to exhaustion in 2017 and slept with wet hair. The times that my body fails me and feels this weak are few and far between.
But here I am sicky and feeling icky.
And I’d very much like to do nothing. I’d like to crawl up in a ball and have someone rub my back. It’d be nice if someone else could cook hot soup for me. Maybe hot and sour soup. That sounds good!
But I can’t, because it’s just me.
So I went to the grocery store and bought ingredients. I came home and cooked then did all the dishes. I took out the trash and all the leftover food that’s been rotting away in the fridge. I organized the mail and opened up the boxes of gifts for school. I cleaned the bedsheets and lugged them back onto the bed again. I got up to take a shower. I even did my entire skincare and haircare night routine.
I feel terrible. Weak and exhausted and like my body can’t do anything for me. But I still have to keep going, because if I don’t keep going then no one is going to do it for me. No one is here to take care of me.
And so it sucks because this has been my predicament all year long.
No one is here to take care of me, so even though I feel like absolute crap I just have to keep going. I have to keep trudging along. I have to pick my body up even when it feels like collapsing to the floor. It’s just me.
I wish someone would hold me in a hug and tell me they’ll take care of everything.