I was already going to write about the absolutely awful day I was having. But the universe decided why not throw in a 911 call to make it even more eventful. So hands down, today takes the cake for the worst day of my life.
Which nightmare turned reality to start with first… The one where I don’t have a place to live or the one where I’m by myself and a suspicious man attacks me.
The first panic.
I’ve officially been asked to vacate my apartment. That’s it. No lease extension. No exemptions. No more 2210. The countdown begins, and my stress levels are already starting to rise. Where will I live? How can I afford another two bedroom? What about this couch? And this tv? Will it all fit in an overly priced studio apartment?
And maybe this is the sign I’ve been waiting for? Maybe this is the nail in the coffin and its finally time to just leave. To pack my bags and board a one-way flight back to California. To admit defeat and accept that Hawaii has become too much for me. Well rather, too little. No family, no place to live, no money to make it last.
Time is running out, and all roads point to giving up.
The second panic.
This one is my reoccurring nightmare. The reason I call Cassie and keep her on speaker until I get safely to my car. Every time I turn the corner to take the stairs back to the parking lot I hold my breath hoping that there isn’t someone there. Someone waiting. And this time there was. A man who wasn’t supposed to be there. A man who was waiting until everyone else was gone and I was on my own so that he could hide away in the back.
A part of me didn’t even panic because I had envisioned this very situation so many times in the past. As if I knew eventually it would happen so I might as well accept it now. It made calling 911 and filing a police report feel so matter of fact. Like something I should be used to doing. When nothing about the situation was fair or normal. I shouldn’t have to run and hide for my safety.
And now I guess I’ve worked myself up to my third panic.
Alone and afraid and stressed out. Not sure of what’s going to happen next. Not sure if I’m going to be safe. Somehow both panics of the day weaving themselves into one and creating a stronghold of fear in my life.
The second one will probably keep me up tonight, but the first one will keep me up for all the nights and weeks to follow. I didn’t think it was possible to be more paranoid that I already am, but now I’ll be double checking over my shoulder even more. Then to add to that anxiety, I’ll be stressed and worried and frantic until I make a decision about where to call home.
I’m truly panicked.