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Walk

Let’s go in order, and then we’ll flashback.

Sometimes you don’t always get what you were planning for.

Maci and I went to Kaionas today. It was a perfect beyond perfect day. We got parking right by the gate entrance, the water was crystal clear, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Mace had gone a couple days ago and saw baby turtles swimming around, so she wanted to go again in hopes of seeing them. So we swam quite a ways out, circled around for a while, but an hour later and not a single turtle. We came in the hopes of swimming with turtles, but not a turtle in sight.

Sometimes you get lucky and you get exactly what you wanted.

After Kaionas we beach hopped and headed to Kailua. Since the world is shut down again, all Kailua beach parking lots and surrounding street areas are blocked off. So each time I go, I cross my fingers and hope to find parking on the street uphill from the boat ramp. And this time was no different. I turned right up the road, slowly crawled my way up the street, and ta da there was a parking spot three cars from the top. I’ve always gotten lucky with this spot.

Watch out.

It was a full moon a few days ago, so that means one thing- man o wars. At first Maci and I were living our best lives just floating around in our floaties. Not a care in the world. Dodging waves and bobbing around. Until I saw a man o war. Then it became stressful. We could no longer swim with our guards down. We had to watch out, because if we weren’t paying attention we would get stung. And one by one the man o wars would float by us. We had to have seen at least a dozen of them.

Just rest.

After the beach and taking Maci home, I came home, took a shower, and laid in my bed. Laying in my bed when I’m all fresh and clean is my favorite thing to do. And eventually after a few minutes of laying in bed, I fell asleep and took a quick nap. No plans. No to dos. No rushing to the next thing. Just napping for a while. Then after napping I picked up the book I’m currently reading. No cleaning. No responding to emails. No busy work. Just sitting on the couch and reading.

Walk.

I didn’t want to, but I knew I needed to. I can’t say I enjoy exercising, but I know that being outdoors and getting my body moving is good for my brain and my well-being. Endorphins make you happy- so they say. Plus this new black muscle tee I bought from Madewell matched perfectly with my black Lululemon leggings, so how could I say no to looking cute and working out.

I did my usual. Up the hill and then back down the hill. I hustled my way up that hill. I wouldn’t say I was out of breath or exhausted, but I was certainly breathing heavier and I could feel the muscles working in my thighs. Uncle Herb even commented and said I was going super fast.

It was at the crosswalk that I heard it. Or maybe I felt the nudging. I’m not really sure at this point. God talks to me a lot in so many different ways. But instead of crossing the street and waiting for the light to change and the white walking man to appear, the white walking man was already there. So, I didn’t need to stop. I just needed to keep walking.


And as I wrap up this fast and download Instagram at precisely midnight tonight, that is what God is telling me to continue doing: just keep going.

Just keep swimming even if you don’t see any turtles, because along the way you’ll see the fish from finding nemo with the scar on his face. You’ll also see what coral looks like before it’s ruined by humans. Then there will also be some tiny black fish with white splotches that you’ve never seen before. Just keep swimming.

Just keep driving, because you don’t know what’s at the end of the road. And even if you didn’t find parking this time around, keep circling- don’t give up so easily. If at first it doesn’t work out or seem like things are going in your favor, try again. Eventually you’ll find what you’re looking for. And when you do, don’t forget to thank God. Just keep driving, He’s got something in store for you.

Just keep being on the lookout. Things might seem fine and dandy, but you never know when the enemy will sneak up from right under you and try to hurt you. The enemy is prowling around like a roaring lion trying to find someone to devour. If you keep your guard up and you’re watching out, you’ll be able to catch him before he can hurt you. Just keep being on the lookout.

Just keep resting. You don’t have to constantly be moving. God doesn’t require you to fulfill a daily checklist. Sometimes you need only to be still. It’s in the stillness and in the rest that God renews you. He gives you the energy to keep going. So just keep resting.

Just keep walking. Don’t stop to compare your journey to someone else’s. Don’t get distracted by other things or things you think are better. Trust in God’s plan and know that He has the best laid out for you if you just walk in His presence. Keep going. Keep following Him. Just keep walking.

It’s Not Over Yet.

Last night. With tears in my eyes. With sniffles in my nose. I half prayed in fear and half prayed in hope. One day left of the fast. What was God going to do?

And He said it’s not over yet. Just because the fast is ending. Just because your 21 days are up and you’re going to redownload Instagram immediately, does not mean I am done working with you Meg.

I have only just begun.

We’re going to keep going. Me and God. We’re going to keep working through my stubbornness until I surrender. Until I can pick up my cross every day and follow Jesus without grumbling or mumbling in the background. Because God sees me roll my eyes and stick my tongue out. He knows that I am a brat. He knows that I want things the way I want them and I want them right away. And He’s trying to get me to understand that the things I want will come, they just won’t come yet. They won’t come when I’m stomping my feet and gripping my fists. They’ll come when my heart is at peace and my faith is ready.

And there’s not going to be a notification or a ceremony when I reach that point. I don’t think it’s something that’s measurable. But I know I’ll get there because every day I’m just going to keep walking. I’m going to keep going in the direction that God wants me to be. Then I’ll know I’m in the right place, because I’ll constantly be walking towards Him.


I have spent the last 21 days writing. Maybe a little less than 21 days, because I think I skipped a few days. And now I’m finished. I’m not going to write on here anymore. At least not for now.

God gave me a project in February. At a church camp, with giggly middle school teens, sitting in rocking chairs under the stars, God told me what to do. And I walked away from it for the longest time. Then I realized I was going the wrong way, and started walking back. But of course, I got distracted and paused. Now it’s time for me to keep walking. To keep working on that thing He put on my heart.

So as much as I’ve loved writing daily for the past 21 days, I’m done now. Thank you for reading. Mom, Dad, Cas, Lynn, Jasmine. You’ve kept up with every word even though I call you and tell you everything before I even write it. And for you Mikey, you have my number and you know how to text me if you want to know how I’m doing.

Goodbye for now Meg’s blog. Until the next life crisis that I have to write my way out of.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

One Last Thing

Each and every counseling session I leave feeling better about myself. Feeling better about my circumstances and the decisions I’ve made. Feeling better about the world around me and how I’m choosing to engage with it. My counseling sessions allow me the time and space to just say everything out loud that is already spinning around in my head.

So it’s no surprise that I came to this realization in today’s counseling session.

I opened up to my counselor about the prayer and fasting I’m doing with my church. I told her what I decided to give up, what mindset I went into this season with, and what I’ve been trying to pray for. And as I’m summarizing this for her and thinking out loud, I came to realize how incredible this season has been.

What I decided to give up, God returned to me tenfold.

I gave up something that was meaningless and time consuming, and in return God gave me meaningful relationships through quality time. In just the past few weeks alone I’ve established intentional time to spend with the ones I love. Whether it be board games or movie nights or FaceTimes or House Party calls, I have spent so much time in the presence of the people who matter most to me.

And as I’m breaking this all down for my counselor, I realized there’s just one more thing. It’s the one last thing that I want to see God do incredible things with.

But the hard part is that I don’t think I can ask God for this one last thing. That no matter how much I want it or how much I miss it, I can’t hope for it. Because once I hope for it, then it’s no longer God’s plan; it’s my plan. Because I can get on my knees, kneel down at my bedside, and fill my eyes with tears crying out to God. I know I can because I’ve done it time and time again. But I don’t want to beg God for it. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t even want to keep praying for it. Because I know that when I do, I’m expecting God to grant my wishes. I’m expecting God to do what I see fit. And I know that’s not going to solve anything.

Because what God has for me and what God is planning for me is far greater than anything I could ask for or imagine. So if I keep asking and if I keep imaging, then I’ll be settling for something mediocre in comparison to what God wants to give me.

And that’s the tension that I’m sitting in right now.

That’s what hurts me.

Because I know that if God can just restore this one last thing then everything will be momentarily ok. I’ll smile and feel joy and be happy. All because what I wanted, God gave me. But maybe there is something that I need that I don’t yet know about that God is holding out for me for just the right moment. And I believe that’s true! I believe that God knows far better than I do and what He wants to give me will be far greater than what I want for myself. I just have a hard time waiting for something I can’t expect.

And so I’m already crying. My eyes are puffy and red. Snot has completely congested my nose. It’s going to take at least five tissues to clear this one up.

But in a couple minutes I’m going to turn all my lights off. I’m going to kneel on the fluffy little rug I put at my bedside. I’m going to interlock my fingers and lay my head in my arms. And I’m going to pray.

Not for God to grant my wishes, because He’s more than just a genie. Not for things to turn out the way I want them to, because honestly my plan often sucks in comparison to God’s. But I’m going to pray for God to do incredible things in these last few days of fasting and prayer. I’m going to pray in expectancy knowing that something completely unexpected is going to happen in the next couple days. And not because of my own will or my own plans or my own doing. But because God is great, and He’s standing by ready to blow my mind with something spectacular.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

That Feeling

I could write a hundred stories on this theme alone.

Because God knew what He was doing when He made me a teacher. And not just any teacher, but a preschool teacher. A teacher for small humans with big emotions and very minimal ways to know how to navigate through these confusing feelings. God knew that me being a teacher would open my eyes to see how God views me.

And today I got another glimpse.

It has been a month now, and I’m used to being loved and adored by all. But one of my friends is still a little hesitant. He’s still shy around me. He still doesn’t let me change his diaper. And whenever I try to talk to him he freezes. But he does however love Uncle Royce. He loves to talk to Uncle Royce. He only lets Uncle Royce change his diaper. And he prefers going to Uncle Royce over me. But the problem these past couple days was that Uncle Royce wasn’t at school. So he was stuck with me.

At first he was nervous. He kept asking where Uncle Royce was and kept looking around the classroom half expecting him to pop out of the corner. But he eventually realized that Uncle Royce was not coming, and that it would just be me. So today he sat in my lap for circle time, he brought me to the bathroom to change his diaper, and he mumbled little phrases to me throughout the day.

Then after naptime it happened.

He fell asleep all on his own- which he never does. He slept for a good hour, maybe hour and a half. And then he woke up all groggy and confused. I just so happened to be standing nearby, and the little love bug stands up, walks over towards me, and just reaches his arms up. Without saying a word, I picked him up, held him tight, and just stood there for a few moments.

It’s that feeling. And I don’t quite know how to put that feeling into words. But it makes you feel infinitely loved. It makes you feel like there is not a worry in the world. You feel protected and cared for and seen. You know that no matter how tough or confusing or painful things may be, that everything is going to turn out ok.

And that’s what God does for me.

Because for the past year or two it has been hard for me to pick God. He hasn’t been my favorite person. I have often felt let down, abandoned, betrayed, hurt, forgotten, ignored… And the list goes on and on about how I felt pain because of God. So because of all those feelings, I stopped turning to God. I stopped trusting in Him. I stopped trying to live my life for Him. And I stopped wanting to be near to Him.

But when everything went wrong and my whole world was turned upside down, all I had was God. Though I waited for a miracle to pop out of the corner, eventually I realized that it wasn’t going to happen. So there I was, just me and God.

And little by little, I began to choose Him again. I began to talk to Him and trust Him with my feelings and problems and frustrations. I began to worship Him, and not just for routine sake but actually positioning my heart in awe of Him. And for the past couple weeks, I’ve intentionally created space for Him to enter into my life. For Him to show up and do crazy things.

So now I’m left with this feeling. The feeling of being infinitely loved. The feeling of not having to worry because I know that God is doing good things in my life and He’s answering my prayers in ways I could have never dreamt up on my own. I feel protected and cared for and seen. I know that the waiting will be worth it.

I know that I can’t physically give God a hug right now. One day in heaven I can. But right now, I know that He is wrapping my entire life in His arms. He is taking every part of me and covering it with His love and grace and peace. And there’s no better feeling than that right now.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

I Have No Idea

Week One I heard plenty from God. Week Two maybe not so much, but there were still important themes throughout my day. Now it’s Week Three, and I have no idea.

I’m not hearing anything. I’m not feeling anything. I can’t really sense what God is trying to do. I know it’s good. I know He’s always working for my good. I know He’s doing something even when I least expect it. He always surprises me like that. But the need-to-know, control freak in me is dying to know what’s going on.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Which of course, has never been my favorite thing to do.

But waiting to see what God is doing or going to do is a much better alternative than not waiting and trying to figure it out on my own. Because we all know I’m capable. We all know I’ve done that before. And every time, I mess it up. I take what God has so preciously crafted in my life, and I drive it into the ground. Shattered, trampled, broken. I ruin it. And all because I couldn’t wait so I had to take matters into my own hands.

Not this time though. I think God is trying to tell me that this one- whatever this one may be- is too valuable to break. Maybe that’s why He’s being very cautious about giving it to me. Because He wants me to be prepared to care for it. And maybe where I’m at right now isn’t the best place to care for the promise He’s trying to place in my life.

I have no idea.

But I think God is taking this time to remind me and to prepare me. Remind me what not to do. That the things I know in my head are the things I need to start acting out in real life. Knowing is vastly different from believing. And He wants me to believe. And then He’s preparing me. Etching away the unnecessary parts of my life. Weeding out the toxic parts that are trying to take root in my soul. He’s helping me be the best version of myself that I can be right now.

If anyone has any clue what God is trying to do in my life right now, please let me know. Because right now, I simply don’t know. I have absolutely no idea.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

Doing A New Thing

A Hillsong Young and Free song for every faith season.

Sinking Deep was Barcelona. It was a reminder that God loved me, that God covers me with His grace, and that God was close to me no matter how far away I was from my home. It was the first worship song I learned in a different language, and it taught me that God has no boundaries. He isn’t just with me when I sing worship songs in English at Point Loma, but He was with me when I travelled across the world on my own to a country I had never been to before that didn’t speak the same language as my home language. There’s nothing too far away that God can’t reach.

Peace was Senior Year. It was what kept me from completely losing my mind and falling apart. It calmed me down and brought me to a place where I could trust that God had post grad life under control. I didn’t have to worry or panic or stress out, because God’s peace was something I could cling onto in the midst of the “you’re about to graduate college” storm. God had a plan. He always has a plan.

Now it’s New Thing.

It’s focusing my eyes and my mind on what God has yet to do. It’s preparing me for the amazing thing that’s going to come next. The new thing that God is going to do with my life. Because He’s not done. He’s barely just begun.

And I’m really starting to believe it this time. Believe that God is working in me in ways that I could never comprehend. That although I don’t see an immediate change, He’s still moving and molding me and causing me to be stronger. That although He’s not working in the ways I wish He would, He’s doing something even better.

God is preparing me for an amazing journey. And while I have no idea which direction that is heading in, I know that it will be worth the wait and the pain and the confusion. So I’ll endure it. I’ll trudge my way through the loneliness and the sadness no matter how crippling it may feel. I’ll crawl my way out of this mess bit by bit if it means that I’ll come out on the other side in better shape than before. The difference between then and now is that I’m no longer focusing on what’s happening right now. Instead, I’m putting my hope in what’s to come. The new thing that God is trying to get me to.