I’ve been afraid. Maybe even hesitant. Doubtful
really. Nervous about September turning into October and my birth month
arriving; therefore, my birthday getting even nearer. I’ve been scared because
this time last year I thought I heard God. I thought He told me not to worry because
I wouldn’t be single anymore. Yet here I am, single as ever. So, I was
heartbroken to think I heard God wrong or that maybe He had forgotten or left
me. I didn’t want my birthday to come up because I wasn’t ready to face the
disappointment of an unanswered prayer becoming a reality.
Yet as I walked around Tokyo Disneysea… The
beauty and detail of Ariel’s grotto… The reality that I was in Japan… All the
amazing things that are happening and will happen in the month of October… God
must have chuckled as He said, “It’s not as bad as thought it would be is it?”
Because the reality is, this month is going to
be amazing. It’s a month I should be excitedly anticipating instead of
dreadfully ignoring. It’s a month of travelling to new places, spending time
with family, and most importantly, celebrating my birthday.
There was nothing I had to worry about. There
still is nothing I have to worry about.
I couldn’t hold back the tears. They just kept coming and coming. For the first time in a really long time I just connected with worship and let God speak to me through it.
And this is what He said to me…
“Who told you those things? Who said that about
you? Because I didn’t. Because I don’t think of you like that.”
In every meeting, Stephen would talk about how
this trip pushes people. It causes you to think and really decide whether the
whole Jesus thing is real or not in your life.
And here I am. A leader on the trip, and I have
all those questions and doubts. I don’t feel like I’m in any position to lead
or be an example. Yet God is telling me that’s not true.
He’s calling out the lies and unearthing all my
doubts. He’s trying to speak louder than my own, condescending voice. He’s
trying to empower and uplift me because He knows and understands my true worth.
Even when I doubt myself and I doubt Him, He still calls close so that I can
hear His loving voice.
It was a rocky summer- and that’s putting it lightly. My friendships and my faith were put to the test, and for the most part I didn’t make it. The doubts that crept into my head overpowered the hope that I had in my heart. So, I ended the summer not really trusting in who God is, not really knowing what He was trying to do, and not really sure if I wanted in on this whole Jesus thing.
So, I’m here in Japan, and that’s exactly how the enemy is trying to attack me. He’s getting into my head saying, “Who are you to preach about a good God when you yourself don’t believe in Him?” And God is telling me that simply is not true. I am enough for Him. I am enough to fulfill His promises. I am enough to accept His goodness and grace and love. He’s using me. I just have to remember who I belong to.