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August 2020

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

I Have No Idea

Week One I heard plenty from God. Week Two maybe not so much, but there were still important themes throughout my day. Now it’s Week Three, and I have no idea.

I’m not hearing anything. I’m not feeling anything. I can’t really sense what God is trying to do. I know it’s good. I know He’s always working for my good. I know He’s doing something even when I least expect it. He always surprises me like that. But the need-to-know, control freak in me is dying to know what’s going on.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Which of course, has never been my favorite thing to do.

But waiting to see what God is doing or going to do is a much better alternative than not waiting and trying to figure it out on my own. Because we all know I’m capable. We all know I’ve done that before. And every time, I mess it up. I take what God has so preciously crafted in my life, and I drive it into the ground. Shattered, trampled, broken. I ruin it. And all because I couldn’t wait so I had to take matters into my own hands.

Not this time though. I think God is trying to tell me that this one- whatever this one may be- is too valuable to break. Maybe that’s why He’s being very cautious about giving it to me. Because He wants me to be prepared to care for it. And maybe where I’m at right now isn’t the best place to care for the promise He’s trying to place in my life.

I have no idea.

But I think God is taking this time to remind me and to prepare me. Remind me what not to do. That the things I know in my head are the things I need to start acting out in real life. Knowing is vastly different from believing. And He wants me to believe. And then He’s preparing me. Etching away the unnecessary parts of my life. Weeding out the toxic parts that are trying to take root in my soul. He’s helping me be the best version of myself that I can be right now.

If anyone has any clue what God is trying to do in my life right now, please let me know. Because right now, I simply don’t know. I have absolutely no idea.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

Doing A New Thing

A Hillsong Young and Free song for every faith season.

Sinking Deep was Barcelona. It was a reminder that God loved me, that God covers me with His grace, and that God was close to me no matter how far away I was from my home. It was the first worship song I learned in a different language, and it taught me that God has no boundaries. He isn’t just with me when I sing worship songs in English at Point Loma, but He was with me when I travelled across the world on my own to a country I had never been to before that didn’t speak the same language as my home language. There’s nothing too far away that God can’t reach.

Peace was Senior Year. It was what kept me from completely losing my mind and falling apart. It calmed me down and brought me to a place where I could trust that God had post grad life under control. I didn’t have to worry or panic or stress out, because God’s peace was something I could cling onto in the midst of the “you’re about to graduate college” storm. God had a plan. He always has a plan.

Now it’s New Thing.

It’s focusing my eyes and my mind on what God has yet to do. It’s preparing me for the amazing thing that’s going to come next. The new thing that God is going to do with my life. Because He’s not done. He’s barely just begun.

And I’m really starting to believe it this time. Believe that God is working in me in ways that I could never comprehend. That although I don’t see an immediate change, He’s still moving and molding me and causing me to be stronger. That although He’s not working in the ways I wish He would, He’s doing something even better.

God is preparing me for an amazing journey. And while I have no idea which direction that is heading in, I know that it will be worth the wait and the pain and the confusion. So I’ll endure it. I’ll trudge my way through the loneliness and the sadness no matter how crippling it may feel. I’ll crawl my way out of this mess bit by bit if it means that I’ll come out on the other side in better shape than before. The difference between then and now is that I’m no longer focusing on what’s happening right now. Instead, I’m putting my hope in what’s to come. The new thing that God is trying to get me to.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

No More Lying

I lied quite a few times today. I lied to myself, to my family, to Lynn. And it wasn’t until the very end of the day that I realized I was doing it. But the more that I think about it, that’s how I always am. That’s what I always do.

I kept telling everyone that I had done nothing all day. That my morning and afternoon were completely wasted. But the reality was that I had done so much! I woke up early. I made myself a big breakfast, because I love breakfast and I’m currently obsessed with breakfast potatoes. Then I did a load of laundry. I spent the next hour vacuuming the whole house and every nook and cranny in my room. And since I was already on a cleaning binge, I wiped down the stovetops and scrubbed the gunk out of the microwave. I cleared out the pantry of old cookies, I organized the spice shelf, I took out the trash and recycling. And this was all before 2 PM.

But I kept telling everyone that I had done nothing all day.

I knew that the fact that I even took the vacuum out of the closet was a big deal, but I kept invalidating that as something of worth. I do that a lot. More frequently than I should. I have a conception of what is worthy and valuable and special, and when things don’t fit into that box, I often don’t give myself credit even though I deserve it.

My brain is so hyper-focused on what I’ve led myself to believe is important versus not important. So much so that I even let myself believe I was unimportant. That because I hadn’t accomplished certain things I felt like I needed to or because I hadn’t won the approval of people I thought I needed approval from, that I was invisible. And for so long I believed that lie because I kept telling myself that my worth is defined by other people’s perception of me.

And even as I write this I know it’s completely absurd. I thought I shattered that mindset already. I thought I had gone through this before and overcame that obstacle. But it turns out that old habits die hard.

But I’m really trying to be better this time.

I’m trying to open up my eyes to see the world around me. To see that God is working in so many different areas and in so many different ways. That even if He isn’t working in this one area in this one way I would like him to, that it doesn’t mean He’s forgotten me or is ignoring me.

I’m trying to validate the things that I’ve done and the importance I hold. To know through and through that I am worthy and valuable and special regardless of what other people think of me. That I am a person people want in their life.

Little by little I want to be less focused on the one thing, but instead see all the little things that add up to how great things really are. Because in the grander scheme of life, I don’t think my life is all that bad. I know that God is working out all things for my good. All things. Not just the things I think need to be worked out.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

I’m Better Prepared This Time

I didn’t hear this one from God. I heard it from myself. I said it to myself, so that maybe, just maybe, I’d actually believe it.

I’m better prepared this time.

We were out on the playground when Heather called me over and asked if I had heard. Heard what? She was telling me that she was watching a live stream with Shannon where the mayor was announcing a two-week lockdown to go into effect later this week. Lockdown, again. Everything closed. Stay at home.

My mind instantly started racing.

I can’t. That’s what ruined me the first time. The isolation, the social distancing, the staying at home. All of it was what threw me into a wave of depression. I was so lonely. I had felt so empty. Absolutely nothing made sense during those months of staying at home, and I was immediately terrified that soon I would have to do it all over again.

Because “alone” is not my strong suit. It wasn’t until the age of 20- when I moved to Hawaii- that I had my own room all to myself. And while I love it now and couldn’t imagine sharing a room with anyone else, it just furthers the fact that my whole life- or most of it anyways- was spent in the presence of someone else. I’ve always had someone else.

So to be forced to stay at home. To be forced not to come into work. To be forced to not go to church. To have everything stripped away from me, ruined me. That’s why my heart dropped at the thought of having to endure that all over again. It was bad enough the first time, but to have to do it a second time would reopen a wound that I’m not sure is fully healed.

I was falling down a rabbit hole. Worrying about my life being pulled out from under me a second time. Until I realized that I really am better prepared this time.

One more time. Just for myself.

I am better prepared this time.

Because the first time I was always living on edge- waiting day by day to see what change would happen next. I couldn’t anticipate what was going to come next, because it was all unknown. But this time around, it’s just two weeks. And even if it goes beyond two weeks, I know that it won’t go on forever.

The first time around I also lost everything that was important and familiar to me. My daily routine, my friends, and my social interactions- all gone. But now I’ve built new foundations. Foundations that don’t require anything or anyone else besides myself, my body, and my own mind. These are the daily habits that have led me to become the best version of myself. The version I truly believe God wanted for me all along, but I was too busy being everything for anyone else.

Now I know what I need. Whereas before I only knew what was right or felt good in that moment. The things I need to be doing are the things that will keep me firmly on the ground even though everything seems like its crumbling and spiraling all around me. The things I need will prepare me to fight this battle and come out on the other side unscathed.

I can do it this time.

I’m better prepared this time.

0 In Hawaii/ Uncategorized

It’s Not If, It’s When

My boss has told us this over and over and over again. At least once every staff meeting she brings it up and it’s her go to phrase. I think to some extent it’s meant to console us, but sometimes it just leaves me feeling more anxious and afraid. Still, I know she means the best when she tells us.

It’s not if, it’s when.

Because ladies and gentlemen, COVID is not going anywhere anytime soon. In fact, it’s just getting worse and worse. And when you run a preschool and are constantly around little humans putting their hands in their mouth and then touching you and touching everything around you, it’s not if we get a positive COVID case, it’s when we get a positive COVID case.

We are foolish if we believe that our preschool bubble will not be touched by COVID. Eventually, someone we know- someone in our bubble- will be affected. And our hearts wait on edge for that day to come. I know my anxious paranoia leads me to washing my hands at a minimum of 20 times a day. But the reality is that one day it will hit us. We can’t avoid it.

So, when it comes, will we be prepared? Will we know what steps to take? Will we know what procedures need to be in place? Will we be ready to tackle the next scary steps?

That’s what my boss said in our last-minute Zoom call meeting in regards to COVID, but in that split second that’s also what God said to me about my promise.

It’s not if God will grant me the desires of my heart, it’s when.

When it’s time, will I be prepared? Will I know what steps to take? Will I know what disciplines need to be in place? Will I be ready to take on what God is calling me to?

I know that God hears me. I know that He’s paying attention to the things that matter most to me. So it leads me to believe that He has a promise in store for me. A promise that not only meets and exceeds the desires of my heart, but a promise that only He can put together. That no matter how much manipulating and scheming and weaseling I do, I can’t make it happen. At least not in the same, amazing way that God can.

So in my waiting- the thing I hate doing the most- I can remind myself that it’s not if, it’s when. That my waiting won’t go to waste. It’s not a useless season. Rather it’s a time for me to get prepared before God completely changes my world. Because when it happens- when the promise is no longer a dream but real life- I want to be ready.

I want to be firmly planted in God’s truth. I don’t want to waver back and forth between the desires that this world has accustomed me to achieving and the desires that God has for me in order for me to fulfill my purpose. I know I will because I always do, but I want to be more prepared so I’m not mistepping so frequently. If I practice now and if I position myself adequately enough now, then maybe later I’ll be better equipped to navigate the fallout. That when the inevitable mistakes are made, I’ll know how to quickly turn to God instead of crying out in frustration and confusion. That’s what I want for right now. I want to be ready.

So I guess I just need to keep taking the right steps. Keep walking closer towards God. Keep going in His direction instead of my own. Because it’s not if He’s going to answer my prayers, it’s when He does. And when that time comes, will I be ready?