I genuinely can’t remember the events that went on a few weeks ago. The only thing I know is that last week ended in complete heart break. I started my day with an e-mail notifying me that I would not be offered a position as an RA for the upcoming school year. From that point, my entire day had shattered. It took every ounce of strength for me to not cry and break down in front of my peers. Once my first class was over, I rushed back to my room, held in the tears until I shut my door, then crumbled in agony. My tears came in floods, and I felt as if the air had been taken away from me. I prayed about it, I was qualified for the position, and I had the confidence that I would get it, but I didn’t.
I didn’t want to be angry at God, but I was. I didn’t understand. I spent the day fighting with myself, because my brain told me not to be upset, but my heart was aching with pain. All week I had prayed for the strength to accept things I can’t control- to accept that God has a plan for me if I were to not get the position. But no matter how much I said that prayer, I couldn’t gather up the courage to live it out. I spent hours weeping not only because I was denied, but because I had no idea what God wanted from me.
The scariest part of life is not knowing. Having a plan and watching it slip away before me is something I’m all too familiar with. I’m a planner. Every detail for the next 4 years of my life is planned to the point. So I’ll never get used to God picking me up and placing me on a different path. But I’m older now and have gone through this roller coaster a few more times than before. I’ve learned that no matter what is happening, God’s hand is working in my life through every detail of the process. I may not know what he wants, but there is something far greater out there for me. God’s ways will always be better than my ways, and His path for my life was created long before I was born. He will always have the best in mind for me, and all I have to do is trust, and pray, and know that everything will be ok.