Today was difficult. I struggled with jet lag and being tired. I struggled with feeling out of place in a place I love. I struggled with change and being ok with things that are different. I struggled with moving forward and not dwelling on the past. I knew I would struggle, and I’ve been praying about it from the moment I knew I would be returning to Hawaii.
Today I learned how selfish I really am. I realized that I don’t like it when the things around me change. As I’m getting to know new people and form new relationships, I find myself wishing that everything was the same as last summer. I miss living with Emma. I miss watching Disney movies with my fantastic four in the parsonage living room. I miss making celebration cards about how Papa Shine gave us a bed time. I miss Super Fun Days and Island Snow trips and Jordan’s driving that nearly killed us. I don’t know how to let go of the past.
And maybe the problem isn’t letting go of the past, but maybe the problem is that I’m not letting myself have the opportunity to enjoy what’s right in front of me. As I sit around moping, I’m compromising my own experience. It’s not going to be the same, and I need to face that reality. This summer is going to be whatever it is I make out of it. So if I keep wishing that things didn’t change I’m wasting my time.
I’m in Hawaii taking part in a ministry I love surrounded by people who uplift me and care for my heart. I’m making new friends who I can create more memories with. I’m adjusting to a new summer, and while it’s been a difficult day I refuse to let it be a difficult summer. Everything is going to be ok, and at the end of the summer I’m going to look back and laugh at myself for spending the time worrying.