Emotional Intersection.

I spent the last hour crying, and I’m not even leaving. Just the thought of leaving Kaneohe is shattering my heart into pieces. As I packed up my stuff it felt like I was shutting away every happy memory I’ve had here. Slowly tucking them away to cope with the sadness that is about to flood over me. I can’t decide whether I’m protecting these memories from being tainted by hurt or pushing them aside allowing the pain to overtake me.

I’m not going through an emotional roller coaster, because that would mean feeling ups and downs. I’m at an emotional intersection where the pieces of my heart are being pulled in every direction. I’m excited to see my sister come to Hawaii. I’m heartbroken to leave Kaneohe. I’m proud to have been part of an incredible ministry. I’m frustrated to go back to school when I’d rather be here. I wish I was numb, because being numb would be so much easier.

Two weeks from now I’ll be walking away from a chapter of my life that has so greatly impacted my being. I have felt God in tangible ways through people and experiences and love. I have seen my life change from being a spectator to a player. Rather than sit on the sidelines and let others guide me, I’ve learned and practiced what it means to be in ministry. I have spent time and put my heart into relationships. I hope that even as I leave I’ll be remembered as more than just another summer intern.

When I get home it’s not going to be easy. It’s not going to be easy waking up for 7:30 AM classes and staying up until 1:00 AM writing papers when I know my heart and body belong somewhere else. It’s not going to be easy being a student when I feel so prepared to serve God. But I’ve been reminded that in my last year of college I have the opportunity to continue learning from those who have done it before me. While I can’t wrap my head around it now, God is giving me a year to continue preparing for ministry. He is giving me people and knowledge and time to do what He knows I am capable to do at His perfect timing. It is not going to be an easy year, but it’s going to be the year that God continues molding me into His image.

People keep asking me if I’m coming back next summer. They keep asking when I graduate and what I plan on doing when I graduate. In all honestly and humbleness, I tell them that I don’t know. I don’t know because essentially it’s not up to me where I go, but it’s up to where God has called me to go. If God opens the door for me to come back to Hawaii I’ll be running towards it. If He calls me back to San Francisco or to stay longer in San Diego or even if He calls me somewhere I have never been before, I’m going to go knowing that He has a purpose for me there. For He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future.