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Having a Hard Time

In the words of a preschooler, “I’m having a hard time.” It has been a hard week. My hair has been a lion’s mane, knotty, bird’s nest all week. My eyebrows are the opposite of on fleek. My jeans hardly fit even when I do the ‘strechy jeans’ dance. I had two tests I didn’t study for and two assignments I didn’t do. I skipped classes to try to catch up but only ended up falling more behind. I’ve spent more money this week than I’ll let myself believe. And I’m struggling with the fact that I’m trying to do all that I can and somehow it still isn’t enough.

Last night I stood in the shower, water streaming down my hair, crying. I had reached a breaking point I didn’t even realize was near. I went to three classes unprepared that day. Then I went to a work meeting followed by a biology lab followed by children’s choir. It was the tipping point of busyness that finally threw me over the edge. I had been so caught up in my routine that I didn’t leave time for myself or for rest or for Jesus. I’ve been caught in this rush of classes and work and volunteering and ‘intentionally’ spending time with friends that I didn’t let myself be still.

So as I stood in the shower crying, I realized that I was enough for God. God doesn’t expect me to be as perfect as I think I should be. He doesn’t want my life to be a series of checklists and do this and that. He doesn’t care if my jeans don’t fit or if I didn’t study for a test. He wants me to come to Him all that I am- broken and exhausted. He wants to be my source of rest. He wants me to seek Him out and lay all my worries and anxieties upon Him. He wants to part of my life.

The song “It Is Well” has been heavy on my heart lately. “Through it all. Through it all. My eyes are on you. Through it all. Through it all. It is well.” I hate to admit that I haven’t been keeping my eyes on Jesus. I have been caught up in the speed of college that I’ve sidelined God. I have never been great at daily devoting time to God, but the more I thought about it the more I realized writing is how I devote time to God. For me it’s a time of reflection and quieting my heart. It’s a process of remembering the parts of my day that made me sad or happy and pondering why it made me feel that way. Most of those times I’m able to see how God is working in my life day by day. I need time to rest. I need time to blog. I need time to be still and know that I am enough for God.

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