I hate my job. I have no friends on this island. I don’t have a car. And to top it all off my phone screen shattered today. I want to believe that God is with me during these difficulties and that all of this is part of His big, great plan, but at this moment I’m not so convinced.
When I was in Point Loma all I ever wanted was to be back in Hawaii. My heart broke for Hawaii. I dreamt of the day that I would get to call Hawaii home, and now my dream is becoming somewhat of a nightmare. That’s not to say that I’m miserable here, but I’ve found it difficult to call this place home.
I came to love Hawaii, because what I was doing here was something that I loved. I loved my internship experience, and as a result I came to adore this island. Now that my internship is over and I’m no longer working for the church, I can’t say I adore it as much as I used to. But I want to. I want to love Hawaii and love the church and love ministry as greatly and profoundly as I once did.
I’m in a place where I am neither extremely angry nor extremely happy. I’m just ok. I’m living life just ok. And that’s not ok with me. I have one life to live. I have one shot to make it the very best it can be, and I’ve never been one to invest myself in something I’m just ok with it. I want to live my life doing something I absolutely love each and every day. So to be digging deeper and deeper into this mediocre lifestyle is diminishing the person I hope to become.
I used to think that my dream job was to be a preschool teacher. I don’t know if it’s these children or if it’s just me, but I have my dream job and I wouldn’t quite describe it as a dream. Sometimes I tell myself to suck it up and stop acting like a baby because you’re a big girl now, and being a big girl means you’re going to have to do things you don’t like. Well everyday this week my big girl job has made me want to cry. It’s made me want to break down and accept defeat.
In the past I knew I could always call up a friend and in minutes they’d be at my door with donuts or at least be able to give me a big hug while tears streamed down my face. It’s not that easy anymore, and instead of being a dorm room away my friends are oceans and states away. They are the people who knew how to carry my heart, and right now I so desperately need one of those people.
Things don’t seem to be going as planned right now. But I’m going to hold onto the hope that God knows what He’s doing. I’m going to pray that God opens doors for me, and if He doesn’t that He gives me the courage to open them myself.