0 In Daily Life/ Hawaii

Goodbye Windward.

Why did I do it? Why did I come back so many times?

Prior to coming here I had no idea what full-time vocational ministry meant. Of course I had heard it in classes and we talked about it, but it was just a word to me. Then I came and I lived it out and I loved it. I loved working at a church, and I loved forming relationships with people. I had the opportunity to lead them closer to Christ, and I knew that there could be no greater feeling than that. For so long I had fought my call to ministry, but then I finally started to understand what it means to be called.

I loved it so much that I came back. I didn’t come back for round two of fun, but I came back because I had a family to return to. So I trusted in God and said no to everything else that came my way no matter how exciting and fun the offer may be. And God didn’t let me down. My family had grown bigger and the love they had for me was more evident than ever. I was no longer an intern coming for the summer but I was Meg coming home.

And a year later home is exactly what it became. I packed my bags and said goodbye to California. I accepted an offer to work at the school, and I gladly left behind my familiar and comfortable life. It wasn’t scary though- not at first. I was returning to a place that was more of my home than most other homes I’ve had. It felt natural.

I can’t say it was easy though. It was honestly one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I was alone, and for a very long time I didn’t know how to cope with this loneliness. I didn’t know how to share this struggle in my life with other people, because I didn’t want them to pity me. But I couldn’t keep living like this.

When I realized how badly it was eating away at my life I decided I needed to make a change. Change doesn’t come easily for me, but in order to be happy again something needed to give. In that moment I made the decision to put myself first. I put my needs and my desires in front of everything else no matter how hard it hurt the feelings of those around me. I was selfish, but in my selfishness I was determined to regain a part of me I had misplaced.

So with God leading the way and me feeling like I was blindfolded behind him, I kept going. I trusted- as I always do- that God’s got me covered. That through every dark tunnel He is there and down every valley He is holding me close.

At this very moment I feel numb. I also feel hurt and betrayed and angry and confused, but more than anything I feel numb. The thing that once made me feel whole is now what’s crushing my soul bit by bit. The people I’ve poured my heart and soul into are now the ones tossing me to the curb. But I’m still trusting God. And as I close the door behind me I’m saying goodbye to the things that made me who I am today… I’m saying goodbye to a chapter that so influentially molded my life and is the reason I am the person I am today. But in my search for a joy that only God can give, I can’t let fear of the unknown hold me down.

I have no idea what this next page looks like. I don’t know who I’ll be walking alongside or if I’ll be going on my own yet again. But I know that so long as I put God first and I strive to be closer to Him, I am not going in the wrong direction. So I’m sorry to all those I’ve hurt and will hurt in the process, but all that matters to me right now is my relationship with God.

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