In twelve days I get to go home for Thanksgiving, and in forty days I get to go home for Christmas. I love home and I absolutely love the holidays, but there’s one thing that I’m dreading most of all… It’s the stupid question. It’s the question I get every time I’m home- holidays or not. It’s the ‘So Meg, are you dating anyone?’
No, auntie or uncle or cousin or friend of a family member or stranger I’m just meeting at this holiday party, I’m not dating anyone. That’s always my answer and the reasons have changed throughout the years. ‘No I’m not dating anyone, because there’s not really anyone I like in my high school.’ ‘No I’m not dating anyone, because I’m too busy being young and free to be tied down to a relationship.’ ‘No I’m not dating anyone, because my schedule is so jam packed that the poor guy would never even see me.’ But this time it’s different. This time I’m going to get the question, and it’s going to hurt. Not because my family members are trying to hurt me, but because deep down I really don’t want to be single anymore.
For the first time in my life I am filled with anxiety thinking about when God is going to bring someone great in my life. This has never happened to me before! Sure I’ve talked to guys and thought about dating them, but I’ve never been so wrapped up in wondering when will it happen for me.
In high school I could care less about dating. While everyone else worried about who would be their date to the prom, I was already set in going alone. It wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed. I just didn’t feel like I needed someone to take a picture with or to dance the night away with. Actually, the thought of having to do that with someone sort of makes me want to puke.
Fast-forward to college and dating wasn’t even on my radar. I was so busy living my life to the greatest it could be that I didn’t have time to weigh my options based on someone else’s role in my life. I studied abroad and didn’t have to worry about upholding a long distance relationship. I spent every summer in Hawaii and got to escape to my own little paradise without anyone tying me down. I had so much fun, and I would not sacrifice that for a relationship.
Now I’m not trying to paint a picture that I was miss independent all my life, because God- and my closest friends- know there were seasons here and there where I tried and failed. There were late night text messages, hanging out together, and heartbreaks. But still, serious, long term relationships were not part of my life.
And I think it’s because of my mom. I was raised by an incredibly independent and strong woman who showed me what it’s like for life to move on without a guy. A woman who could get it done all on her own. A woman who put her priorities in order and gave all her effort to that. My mom showed me what it means to be single and have the best life possible.
So for most of my life I was like that, but now I’m not. Now I’m extremely discontent in being single, and it’s eating away at me…
But here’s the thing- and I guess it’s always been the thing- I follow a good God. I follow a God who is looking down at me and shouting ‘Meg just wait a little longer! I have someone amazing for you!’ But the more that I put my trust in God the more the devil is trying to fill me with anxiety and worry. So I wake up in the middle of the night eyes filled with tears, heart racing, and my mind in a panic, because the devil is trying to get me to break. All the while God is standing behind me saying ‘I’m here! I’m here! You have no reason to be afraid!’
“But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.”
2 Thessalonians 3:3
So I’m in a battle between what I know to be true and what is hurting me most of all. Because what I know to be true is that God has a plan greater than anything I could ever imagine. But what’s hurting me the most is waiting and trusting and staying hopeful.
“I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-20
I’m in a season of waiting, and I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know how long I’m going to be here or what it’s going to feel like while I’m here, but I do know that God rewards those who wait on Him. I know that for every moment I choose to rely on God instead of on my own understanding, my faith grows deeper. I know that when I put my hope in Christ even if the situation doesn’t turn out how I want it to, my pain decreases. So that’s what I’m going to do. That’s how I’m going to fight the devil’s grasp on my life, and that’s how I’m going to spend my season of waiting.
“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:25