I used to tell Lynnie that if you keep telling yourself a lie soon enough you’ll start believing it. Throughout my life I’ve seen how this has played out and how this has always proven to be true. I struggle with understanding who I am and who I’m supposed to be. I’ve always been so concerned with how others view me and the role I play in my community. I’m wrapped up in the question, “Who is Meg to other people?”
At first, I was the girl who felt I needed to be happy for those around me even when deep down I didn’t feel that way. After my parent’s divorce I became so good at faking it. I could hide any set of tears with a smile in the blink of an eye. That’s how I coped. That’s how I got through it without any scars- or so I thought. I was used to hiding the emotions and covering up the pain, and I thought I’d be ok living my life like this… but then I went to college.
College was a whole new world. People cried all the time! It was a community of vulnerable, strong individuals who weren’t afraid to share their brokenness. Through supportive, life-giving friends I learned that emotions are meant to be felt not hidden. So I stopped faking it, and I got real with myself. I let myself feel, react to, and express everything that was stirring inside of me.
But old habits die hard, and faking it comes naturally to me. So I found new ways to put the mask on. I taught myself how to be the girl everyone else needed me to be. People could count on me because I wouldn’t say no because I thought that’s what was expected of me. It never occurred to me that people could love me for who I was not for what I offered to them.
Then when I stopped giving them what they expected of me, I saw how love could be dependent on actions instead of character. This shattered me… But it also led to me seeking out the unconditional, unchanging love of God. Even with the mask on, God knew who I was.
So I’m learning how to fully belong in God, because I believe that belonging influences character. Who you belong to influences the choices you make. It influences the way you live your life and the way you present yourself to the world. I want people to look at me and know Jesus’ love.
The question is no longer, “Who is Meg to other people” but rather, “Who is Meg to God?” I belong to the one who created me beautifully and intricately. I belong to the King that expects only for me to dwell in His presence. To Him I don’t need to fake it or strive to win His approval… I simply need to be fully His.
I 100% still struggle with faking it, putting a mask on, and comparing myself to others. I try to be what I think I need to be when really God created me to be exactly how I am. He created me to be the daughter I am for my parents. He created me to be exactly who I am for the friends I have. He created me to be the teacher I am with every last bit of patience for four-year olds who know how to make my eyes roll.
“I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly you know me, Lord!” Psalm 139:14 TPT
Every passion, goal, dream, aspiration was cultivated by God, so I’m choosing to belong in God rather than the fear that holds me back from being exactly who He wants me to be. I’m shutting down the lies I feed to myself and remembering that I am created by the God who built the heavens and the earth.
This is my prayer..
You created me. Me to be exactly who I am. You created every interesting, strange, quirky detail of me. You cultivated my passions and desires. Then somehow I got scared. I stopped belonging to you and started caring way too much about what other people think. I began to feel embarrassed of myself- my interesting, strange, and quirky details. But those are the parts of me you love the most. It’s what makes me, me. Give me the courage to be exactly me.”