In college we learned this thing called delay of gratification. It’s a concept describing how sweeter the reward is when you wait to receive it rather than rushing to get it right away. I don’t have a very great delay of gratification…
When I want something, I want it now. I want it just the way I imagined it in my head, and I want it nothing short of perfect. My parents can attest to this, and my closest friends can agree that I’m not the most pleasant when things don’t go my way. I have- and have always had- a hard time letting go of the fairytale I’ve dreamt up inside my head.
So, this season of waiting on God hasn’t been easy. It has often times made me want to cry. It has made me question the circumstances surrounding my life and my own personal worth. But because I know God is good and His goodness prevails even in the midst of my confusion, I know there’s a reason for waiting.
If it were up to me, I’d get up and leave. My version of fight or flight is to just walk away. I have no problem in shoving everything in my past and moving forward starting all over if that means I get to live this moment the way I want to.
And in some cases, this works out… I say goodbye to the toxic, ugly, not so much fun, and I welcome in the life I prefer with open arms. In other cases, I find myself pushing back emotions that were too strong to ignore and years down the road they’ll only come back up to haunt me. Today, though, it’s different. I want to walk away from this uneasiness that I can’t quite pinpoint. I want to stop feeling like something is missing and run away to what I think will make me feel whole again. But I think God is telling me it’s time to stop running…
It’s time for me to stop uprooting my life and just let God grow me where I am currently planted. And I will be the first person to say it sucks. It’s hard and it’s exhausting and it’s so very confusing. I want answers. I want peace. I want clarity. I want God to show me right now what the meaning of all this is. But I know I’m not going to get it- at least not how I imagine it. I know God will do whatever it is He wants to do in order to get me where He wants me to be.
I gave up control a long time ago. I felt what it was like to fight God, and it was the hardest battle ever to lose. So, I told myself I wouldn’t do it again. It wasn’t worth the pain, because in the end I could never win. And for years and years, letting go of control brought me to some of the most beautiful places in my life. God does the immeasurable and unthinkable when you leave it up to Him.
But now it’s different. I’m letting go of my fairytale. This dream of the perfect guy, the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect job, I’m letting go of it. I don’t want to keep spending my days waiting for the next big thing to check off my life list. I can imagine all I want, but somewhere down the line I’ll end up imagining my life away. And it’s really just a shame, because whatever I could think up in my head is nowhere near as sweet as what God has planned for me.
So, I want to start living each day one at a time. One day as best as I possibly could- as great as God would have it. Every day I am going to choose to grow exactly where God has planted me. I am going to choose to let Him do the work and trust in the process. I am going to build my foundation on God’s unconditional and unwavering love. I am going to spread my roots in knowing that God has wonderful things in store for me. And when the time comes for me to bear fruit, I’m going to rejoice in knowing that I waited for the reward.
“Then you will be empowered to discover what every holy one experiences- great magnitude of the astonishing love of Christ in all its dimensions. How deeply intimate and far-reaching is His love! How enduring and inclusive it is! Endless love beyond measurement that transcends our understanding- this extravagant love pours into you until you are filled to overflowing with the fullness of God! Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for His miraculous power constantly energizes you. Now we offer up to God all the glorious praise that rises from every church in every generation through Jesus Christ- and all that will yet be manifest through time and eternity. Amen!” Ephesians 3:20 TPT