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January Ninth

When I was a kid I was silly. I was loud and unashamed. I wore three ponytails- two the normal way anyone would and one up top on my head. I tiptoed around the room like a ballerina when in reality I was probably just trying to avoid dust getting stuck to the bottom of my feet. I used to talk so much that my cousins would have to bribe me with money to stop talking. I was strange, so very strange.

Then somewhere along the way I stopped being silly and became quiet and reserved. I started to notice what the world expected of me, and I molded myself into that person. So, if that meant being put together, well-behaved, and gentle that’s what I did. And as time passed I became more and more afraid of being free. Afraid of raising my hand and giving the wrong answer. Afraid of dancing in public because what if I looked funny or what if I didn’t do something the right way. Ultimately, I was afraid of judgment and embarrassment because I somehow let myself believe that other’s opinions of me were more important than what I thought of myself. Or more importantly, who I was.

But tonight, I danced- more like swayed, stepped, and clapped. Baby steps, baby steps. Instead of sitting it out or pretending to be too busy to join the group, I went for it. And I remembered how much I love being free. Free to twirl and jump and do whatever it is I consider dancing.

I was brave. Brave enough to choose myself over what others could potentially think of me.

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Brave.

Brave is my word for 2019. It’s what I’m choosing to do, choosing to be, and choosing to believe. Brave enough to take scary risks on relationships. Brave enough to follow God out of my comfort zone. And definitely brave enough to dance in public.

God is stirring something in me, and I think 2019 is the year that I’ll be brave enough to trust Him in it. It’s still going to be scary. Being brave doesn’t mean that the situation will be any less scary. But it does mean that I’m going to trust God through the scary. I’m going to hold onto what I know to be true- God’s infinite goodness- in the midst of what I have absolutely no clue about.

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