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Restoration

I just felt the enemy cower.

It has been an eight-month long journey of restoration. Of restoring my broken relationship with God. Of restoring my image of who God is. And one by one restoring the relationships that I hold close. I never would have thought that I needed this journey, but it just goes to show that God’s plan is always to do the unimaginable in my life in order to bring me closer to Him.

So, let’s go back to where it all started. My lowest of lows in the summer of 2019.

I was done. God wasn’t showing up. God wasn’t doing what I thought He said He would do. It seemed as if He was nowhere in sight and that He could care less about the outcome of my life. So, like the hard headed, stubborn girl that I am, I decided that if God is going to treat me that way then I was going to treat Him the same way also. I stopped showing up- I was physically there but mentally checked out. I stopped doing what I knew God wanted me to do. And I stopped caring about how God could transform my life if I only followed Him each step of the way.

It had been weeks of being done with my faith- maybe even a couple months, and I was perfectly fine. My life went on just as it does every single day, and I kept marching along in what seemed like the beauty of it all. I know I have a pretty incredible life, because look around- I live in paradise. In the depths of my soul, I would not trade Hawaii for anything else because this is where I’m supposed to be.

Then came the day when I was not only done with my faith, but for a moment I was also done with Hawaii. That’s what finally woke me up from months of sleepwalking through life. I was ready to trade my paradise for something far less spectacular because my complacency and brokenness told me it was ok.

It was that wakeup call that reminded me how God brought me to paradise, I foolishly walked myself into the desert, and if I wanted to get back to where I was supposed to be I would need God to take me there.

So little by little I let Him back in. I called for Him to come near. I trusted in His goodness again. Then I let Him restore every broken part of me.

The first relationship He restored was the one that would have hurt the most if I had let it stay broken. It was the one that if broken, would have thrown me years off the course God has for my life. Through tears, tough conversations, and silence God mended and strengthened a relationship that now stands as a pillar in my life.

The next would have taken another five months until I fully felt peace. It was a relationship that I held high expectations for, so when those expectations didn’t become a reality of course it came crashing down harder and harder each day as I was reminded of the disappointment. God didn’t do what I thought He would do with this relationship, but instead He said, “Give it to me. It’s not yours to carry anymore.” So, I did, and it wasn’t easy. I thought I could give God a piece of it and keep the rest to myself to control and manipulate, but He continually told me to give Him all of it. Then when I finally did, when I finally said, “Take it all God I don’t want it anymore!” tears ran down my face and I could finally breathe easy again.

I thought that was the end of my restoration journey. Those were two relationships I obviously needed healing from, and God did the work so I thought I was all better. But as always, there was something I didn’t see and one more relationship that God needed to bring back together.

It was the relationship with the one person I truly believes spearheads the way for me. My image of her has always been her walking in front of me, machete (or wand really) in hand, slicing away at the things blocking my path. In nearly every facet of life I’ve believed that she has made a way for me, and because she has done the unimaginable I could too. But for the longest time I let this relationship stay broken because I didn’t see the true, God given value in it. Until it came in an answered prayer- both in the words she said to me and the person she continues to be for me- that I could finally see how much she means to me.

Eight months. Eight months for God to fully restore my life to something greater than it had been before I fell down the rabbit hole. It’s ok to not see the bigger picture when you trust in a God who can always see ahead of you.

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