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My Love, If You Only Knew

I live a life with way too many expectations. And the sad part is that most of them are completely outrageous. There have been countless love stories created in my mind, and to this day I’m still waiting for that Love Actually moment when the guy comes rushing through the airport moments before I’m about to board the plane to profess his love for me. If the little kids in Love Actually could have that, then why can’t I?! So although I’m the most meticulous, control freak, needs to have every moment of her life planned and organized person you could meet, I also have my head in the clouds at least 90% of the time.

And so I dream up these wild scenarios of what life could be like and what could happen, but very rarely does my life end up the way I thought it would. So naturally, I stomp my feet, grit my teeth, and cry in frustration questioning why I had spent so long investing in a fantasy that I will never see come true. I question God, doubt His goodness, and stick my tongue out at Him thinking that I can do better on my own. But each and every time I am so very wrong.

Because my stubborn, human mind can only comprehend so much. I only dream up in terms of what I think I need, but God wants to give me what I don’t even realize is what’s best for me. I think I know and I think I’ve got it all figured out to the extent that I can do the work on my own and God can step aside, but I don’t even have a clue of what God is really trying to do.

So instead of expecting my fairytales to come true overnight, I’m choosing to believe that for the next 21 days God will exceed all of my expectations. That the plans He has for me are going to blow my mind! That whatever it is He has up His sleeve is something that I didn’t even know was a possibility for my life. I’m expecting God to work miracles on miracles on miracles on miracles.

Each time that I’ve intentionally made space for God to occupy and for God to speak to me, He’s never let me down. He’s shown up and He’s proved to me that He is moving in my life. So, this time is going to be no different. I am taking something out of my life and leaving that space open for God, because I know that when I do He will come.

And today, as I sat at my dining table watching church online, I was unmoved by worship. I thought that it was such a bummer that we couldn’t meet in person, and I felt disconnected from the words and songs of praises happening on my computer screen. Until Sinking Deep starting playing… And the “18-year-old college student studying abroad in Spain” version of me tugged on my heart and said, “Do you remember this song? Do you remember being in Spain and singing this song at church every Sunday? Do you remember how God brought you to that church? Do you remember how God brought you to Spain?” Because 18-year-old Meg thought she knew what she was doing. She thought she had it all figured out and that her plans were all going to play out seamlessly. But she was so very wrong, and God had a completely different plan in mind for her.

Then with tears in my eyes, I sang “I’m wide awake. Drawing close. Stirred by grace. And all my heart is yours.” And God said to me, “My love, if only you knew.” Because here I am again thinking that I know what is best for myself. Thinking that I’ve got it all figured out and things will just fall into place. But God is telling me that I have no idea what is to come.

And He’s not here to tease or torment me. He’s not trying to keep a secret from me or prevent me from receiving something good. He knows what is going to happen. He knows that it is going to make my fairytales look like the bananas I forget about and let turn brown to the point that fruit flies are circling around them and the whole peel is decaying. And all He’s asking of me is to make space for Him and give Him my whole heart. Because when I do, He will exceed any and all expectations I have for my life.

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