I lied quite a few times today. I lied to myself, to my family, to Lynn. And it wasn’t until the very end of the day that I realized I was doing it. But the more that I think about it, that’s how I always am. That’s what I always do.
I kept telling everyone that I had done nothing all day. That my morning and afternoon were completely wasted. But the reality was that I had done so much! I woke up early. I made myself a big breakfast, because I love breakfast and I’m currently obsessed with breakfast potatoes. Then I did a load of laundry. I spent the next hour vacuuming the whole house and every nook and cranny in my room. And since I was already on a cleaning binge, I wiped down the stovetops and scrubbed the gunk out of the microwave. I cleared out the pantry of old cookies, I organized the spice shelf, I took out the trash and recycling. And this was all before 2 PM.
But I kept telling everyone that I had done nothing all day.
I knew that the fact that I even took the vacuum out of the closet was a big deal, but I kept invalidating that as something of worth. I do that a lot. More frequently than I should. I have a conception of what is worthy and valuable and special, and when things don’t fit into that box, I often don’t give myself credit even though I deserve it.
My brain is so hyper-focused on what I’ve led myself to believe is important versus not important. So much so that I even let myself believe I was unimportant. That because I hadn’t accomplished certain things I felt like I needed to or because I hadn’t won the approval of people I thought I needed approval from, that I was invisible. And for so long I believed that lie because I kept telling myself that my worth is defined by other people’s perception of me.
And even as I write this I know it’s completely absurd. I thought I shattered that mindset already. I thought I had gone through this before and overcame that obstacle. But it turns out that old habits die hard.
But I’m really trying to be better this time.
I’m trying to open up my eyes to see the world around me. To see that God is working in so many different areas and in so many different ways. That even if He isn’t working in this one area in this one way I would like him to, that it doesn’t mean He’s forgotten me or is ignoring me.
I’m trying to validate the things that I’ve done and the importance I hold. To know through and through that I am worthy and valuable and special regardless of what other people think of me. That I am a person people want in their life.
Little by little I want to be less focused on the one thing, but instead see all the little things that add up to how great things really are. Because in the grander scheme of life, I don’t think my life is all that bad. I know that God is working out all things for my good. All things. Not just the things I think need to be worked out.