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Catching On

*I missed this. There’s something beautiful about being able to hit backspace.*

My sister is really good at math. It’s a good thing she’s in the accounting field, because she’s just good at it. That’s her knack. I’ve always referred to her as my human calculator. For as long as I can remember, that was just something that came naturally to her. Yes, she studied and had to learn things along the way, but being good with numbers was always something she was good at figuring out.

I, on the other hand, don’t have that talent. I’m not sure what you could consider to be my knack. Writing maybe? I do like writing, and I would say that I’m good at it. But not many things just come naturally to me.

Or so I thought… And then I realized what it was. And I’m not sure if I’m proud of it or embarrassed. I’m not sure if it’s something that’s beneficial or hindering to my understanding of the world. And I don’t know if I should keep doing it or if I should learn how to stop. But I’m really good at attempting to figure out what God is trying to do in my life.

And when I say really good, I don’t mean that I know exactly what God is doing or how He’s doing it. Actually, I’m terrible at that. I never know what God is doing or understand why He’s doing it. But I’m really good at looking through the course of my life, looking at what is going to happen next in my life, and trying to piece together what God is trying to do.

It needs to make sense in my life, and it needs to have reason.

I am driven by purpose and potential and expectation. Probably too much so because it sometimes drives me straight into the ground. But when I know these things- when I’m aware of what’s going to happen- then I know what to do next.

And the hard part these past couple years is that what I need- purpose, potential, and expectation- has not lined up with what I’ve been given. Maybe I see the potential… But then my expectation doesn’t match up and the purpose behind it all is cloudier than I thought. Or maybe- and this is often the case- I have such high expectations, but the potential isn’t there and the purpose gets lost along the way. Regardless of what order or what context or what I have and don’t have, the past couple years have been a flurry of trying to figure out God but not having all the components.

And last year was really rough. So bad that I nearly walked away from God completely. Nothing made sense, and I needed it to make sense. Yet every time I turned around looking for clarity, something was jumbled and mixed up.

So, the first time this happened, I despised God. I was so angry at Him and so upset that He could let me feel this kind of pain. I shook my fists at Him and said, “If this is how you’re going to treat me, then I can do better on my own.” I was so hurt.

That plan clearly didn’t work out.

And some time later, I came crawling back to God. On my knees and in desperation. Then He took me in, and He said let’s try this again.

But impatient old me couldn’t wait for things to make sense or to see the reasoning, so I took the potential and I thought that if I just hold onto it tight enough I could run towards all my expectations. That one failed again.

Yet this time around, instead of despising God and being angry with Him, I accepted that I needed to trust in Him and turn to Him first and immediately. First and immediately. First and immediately. First and immediately. That’s what I had to do, but that’s not where I was at.

The first try was more of a last-ditch effort. Instead of running away from God when I reached the dark lows, I looked up for His helping hand and followed His lead. The second try was a little bit better. I recognized the gap in my life that only God could fill, and so I let God fill it. This was more slowly and steadily. The third try I cried a whole lot, but then at some point I realized I didn’t have to cry because God would be taking care of me. So whenever I felt the tears starting to well up, I reminded myself that God is in control. Finally, I started getting the immediately down.

And now I’m starting to catch on.

I might be on my fifth, sixth, or seventh try. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve surpassed my tenth try. God has given me a lot of redoes. But first and immediately. In the midst of not understanding the purpose or the potential or the expectation, turn to God first and immediately.

Don’t let the pain cause you to walk away from God. Don’t let the darkness stop you from looking up. Don’t let the holes get larger. Don’t let the tears fall when they don’t have to.

Instead, turn to God first and immediately.

He’ll always be there. And the more you turn to Him, the more you’ll start to see and understand the purpose and the potential and the expectations.

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