I had an argument with God the other day. It wasn’t really an argument. Because I’ll never win. So it was more like I was being scolded by God. But still not even scolded, because God was only doing it out of love. So I guess you could say I talked to God in a fairly upset, angry tone, and He talked back to me in the most loving and wise way.
You see, I’ve always had a plan. My plan. The most suitable, time conscious, effective plan- or so I thought. And I’ve always been headstrong. Do it my way, do it exactly how I want it done, and do it right when I say so. And lately this plan and this stubbornness has caused me to stumble quite a bit. And when I say stumble, more like fall off the edge of a cliff repeatedly. I’ve been going the wrong way, knowing I’m going the wrong way, still choosing to go the wrong way, and crying in frustration wondering why I keep falling off the cliff.
And so I go to God stomping my feet and shaking my fist at Him wondering why things are so difficult. Why they can’t work out the way I imagined it in my head. Wondering why can’t things just go according to my plan. But most of all, why do I keep going through the same pain over and over and over again.
So the other day I went to Him in prayer in frustration. I asked all the questions I have been asking for so long now. I demanded answers and clarity. I cried and cried wondering if He even hears me. But the truth is- the truth that I’m too stubborn to listen to- is that God has already addressed those questions. He has already provided guidance and given me direction. He has already made it very clear to me.
Then once more He reiterated, “Meg, you can’t have it both ways.”
Because in this season I’m in- in this season of not knowing the purpose- I’ve been trying to achieve God’s way by ignoring His directions and going my own way; doing my own thing. And that’s the repeatedly walking off the cliff part. I can’t keep going my way and expecting to achieve God’s results.
And that wasn’t the hardest pill to swallow. I know full well that in order to achieve God’s promises I need to go God’s way. I know that! I know that! The part that made me feel so terrible. The part that made me apologize over and over and over and over again… It was when God told me how He has given me everything I asked for, but He will not give me this one thing if I continue to try to do it my way.
And the truth is, He has given me everything I have ever asked for and more. I used to cry myself to sleep asking for friends, and He gave me a new family. I prayed for financial stress to be taken away, and He gave me a second job, a pause on student loan payments, and money that I didn’t know I had. Every time I have come to God asking for something, He has always given it to me. And here I am, stubborn and selfish Meg thinking that He is withholding even the tiniest ounce of promise from me when all along it has been me. I have been standing in my own way.
So I know now what I need to do, even though I may still stumble, I must try. I know what I need to say, even if that means losing the one thing I don’t want to lose. And I know that pain will come. It will be hard. There will be many tears shed. But if I do it God’s way, then maybe I won’t fall of the cliff anymore. Maybe I’ll get to the edge, and it’ll be scary, and I won’t want to look down, but I won’t keep falling. And that makes the pain bearable. Knowing that it will not keep going again.