Stronger. That’s what God told me for 2021.
Not strong, but stronger. Because stronger insinuates that I was already strong to begin with. That I had the power and the courage and the ability to do it. It’s not that I was lacking anything. But stronger because I was going to go beyond what I was already capable of.
And the year is over, and I don’t know if I quite did it.
Because I can remember distinctly all the broken moments.
Walking up the hill. My usual two-mile, evening walk through my neighborhood. Listening to Jesus music on my AirPods. Then right as I hit the brown apartment buildings, it comes. Feeling like I can’t catch my breath. Eyes clouded from all the tears streaming out. The weight of it all absolutely crushing me. Not so strong.
Driving to church for a worship night. Again, listening to Jesus music in the car to pregame more Jesus music at church. Then I pull into the parking lot and the pain strikes. Wondering what I did wrong. Questioning everything that has happened in the past few months. Full of hurt and not so sure what to do with it. Not so strong.
There was also moving out of Kaneohe and living on my own. Alone. There was not one, not two, but multiple breakdowns wondering how on earth I’m going to afford life in Hawaii. Then of course the months long deterioration of my mental health causing the worst burnout of my career. What a time for me to be alive.
And I don’t think I made it out of 2021 stronger. I think I made it out slightly scathed by the dumpster fire of my life and hanging on by just a thread. Both of which are qualities I don’t think most would describe as strong, nonetheless stronger.
Yet somehow, I did what the cheesy Pinterest quotes say, and I survived 100% of the things that were thrown my way. And I think that’s enough to be proud of.
Because never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what I had gone through. That was never part of the plan. I don’t think it’s in anyone’s five-year plan to experience heartbreak and broken friendships and change in the magnitude that I did. But it happened, and I did it.
So maybe, in some unique way, stronger after all.