My head is pounding. My eyes are swollen. At least my nose isn’t stuffy because I was sitting up straight in the car instead of laying in bed. Right before I turned to get home I almost puked twice from crying so hard. But everything- from my body to my soul- hurts.
Today took everything out of me.
As I knew it would. That’s why I prepared with my therapist in advance. That’s why we set up boundaries and action plans and repeated that I am in control and don’t need to stay in an uncomfortable situation for a second longer than I’d like.
But what I wasn’t prepared for was having so much fun. For laughing and drinking wine and talking with people I haven’t talked with in the past year. Even if it was just for an evening, to have felt like I belong again. With a family and in this community. She asked if I was her mom’s sister, and she knows I’m not her mom’s sister. But to have been so loved and so involved, that maybe for just a second you might really believe I was her mom’s sister.
And that’s what I keep coming back to.
I spent so much time. So much energy. Countless days pouring out into people. Paying attention to the things they liked and didn’t like. Mugs in the shape of animals to help a bad day get a little better. No green onions as toppings. Loving them with every ounce of care I had to offer and then some because that’s the kind of person I am. A queen of hearts playing card. Pillows. All of this given to just be forgotten.
What did I do wrong. What did I do wrong. What did I do wrong.
For them to have known every piece of me. The parts that don’t get shone to just anyone. The parts that often stay hidden to the world. To have spent all that time together building our relationships. And then to not be chosen.
What did I do wrong.
To have not just lost one, but two of the most valuable people in my life over the past few years. For them to both choose a life without me is better than a life with me.
What did I do wrong.
I look back and think about all the happy moments, and how maybe I just wasn’t enough. The Marvel movie marathons and the Exploding Kittens game nights. Fond memories, but not enough to continue growing a friendship together.
What did I do wrong.
How did I lose the two people that made my world go round. The people I loved and loved and loved.
What did I do wrong.