I cried myself to sleep the other night.
Which is neither surprising or a new occurrence. It was for a combination of reasons though. But it wasn’t just a quick sob and then I was done. It was a long, painful cry. It started out as sadness, but then it became a fight. Truthfully, I wasn’t being so nice to myself. I knew that then and I know that now, but I still kept saying mean things.
Over and over again I told myself, people don’t care about me.
People don’t care, so they leave. They leave my life and stop talking to me. They don’t call or send messages. They don’t ask about my day or what I ate for dinner. They exit my life and then don’t make a reappearance because they simply don’t care about my well being anymore.
People don’t care, so I must not be that important. If I was important- if I meant something to them- then maybe they’d stay, maybe they’d want me to be around. Maybe my friendship would be of some value to them, but I guess it’s not. I guess I am just easily replaceable.
People don’t care, so it wouldn’t matter what happened to me. No one seems to need me or want me, so what am I doing here. What purpose do I serve? Would anyone even notice if I just vanished.
These thoughts kept spiraling around in my head.
And I tried to stop them. I tried to say they weren’t true. That people do care. That I do matter. But it’s hard to believe something when there is no physical evidence to back up that claim.
All my life I’ve struggled to believe that I- just as I am- matter to people.
And I can confidently say that at the ripe old age of 27, it hasn’t gotten any easier. The questions keep coming. The doubt gets stronger. And my irrational fear of getting kidnapped still lives on because no one knows where I live ever since I moved, so if someone were to break into my house and kill me in my sleep then who would even know where to find me.
But it’s true. Some people don’t care about me. They’ve chosen a life without me is far better than a life with me. They’ve thrown our friendship in the trash and tossed me aside with it. I am useless to them.
So I’m correcting my previous statements…
***Those people don’t care.