If I Had Said Yes

We had just wrapped up an hours long game of spicy Never Have I Ever, which I had to take a drink far too many times for… It was now a question game. Short answers only.

The first card drawn said, “If you were in a parallel universe where you said yes to everything, where would you be?”

Half the group said strippers. They’d be strippers. Someone else said they’d be a street performer with the name Big Al. Then from across the room, without hesitation, she looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “Meg you’d be married with kids.”

In a parallel universe where I said yes to everything, I’d be married.

That hurt.

Because hypothetically I would have said yes and settled. Hypothetically I would be married to Trevor, and if it had not been Trevor it would have been Greg. And whether it was Trevor or Greg, I would probably be nearing a 5-year anniversary with 2.5 kids running around.

But I didn’t say yes. So I’m not married. Not to Trevor, not to Greg, not to anyone. I don’t have kids, and I won’t be anytime soon. There will be no anniversaries to celebrate, weddings to reflect on, relationships to share on social media.

And I don’t know which situation is worse. Saying yes and settling or saying no and having nothing.

A part of me is leaning towards the latter being worse. There’s nothing worse than being alone. So if that’s the worst case scenario, then I could have said yes and have had a completely different life. I could have made that decision and took my life in the direction that I’ve been craving my entire adult life. But I didn’t.

So is this my fault?

Am I the reason why I’m terribly alone? Because I didn’t say yes? Because I didn’t settle? Because I didn’t accept the possibilities that were thrown my way. Because I friend zoned everyone until there was one. And even then, that one was never going to love me in the ways that I so deeply loved him. So again, I made the wrong choice and gave myself to the wrong one. My first time and it wasn’t even the one that was going to stick around.

Regardless of which option is worse, I seem to have found myself in a lose- lose situation. Where I say yes and lose a life that’s up to the standards of my dreams. Or I say no and accept that there is absolutely no one around.

In a parallel universe, could it be possible for Meg to not be so single anymore.