“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.”
John 16:33
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
“Don’t worry, just twenty more seconds.”
Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
“You’re doing great! Almost done.”
Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen.
I’m scared. Is it almost finished.
Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty.
“All finished! Time to do the next one.”
They had given me a sedative before the surgery began, but I don’t know if it was that effective. It was supposed to help me calm my nerves during the procedure, but I was still jittery. I was still scared. What if something went wrong? Things don’t normally go wrong, but what if this was the time that God picked me to be one in a million.
So, I laid down on that surgery bed trying not to wiggle around too much. Trying to keep still and not bounce my feet up and down. I held onto my own hands hoping that maybe it’d bring me some comfort.
The first part of the surgery was the easy part. I think? It was before any of the cutting began. I remember staring up at a red dot and then slowly everything started to blur away until it was all black.
Then the second part of the surgery was when she started slicing. Bit by bit trying to remove the unwanted parts. One cut. Then another. Then another. I can’t believe I was awake for this.
People kept asking me if I was scared. Cassie asked if I was anxious and if I was going to be ok. When I talked to my mom before heading into the operation room, she told me to pray before it started. I could hear the worry in her voice. My dad drove me to my appointment and he gave me a big hug before the nurses took me away.
I probably didn’t need to be afraid, but I was. To my core I was absolutely terrified.
But my brain knew better. The logical part of me knew it was going to be alright. That doctors are smart and the equipment is advanced. That this operation isn’t risky and all my pre-op check-ups were showing good signs.
So I didn’t need to be afraid, I could be courageous.
Often times that’s how it goes.
I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m afraid because what if this or what if that. I’m afraid because I just can’t see what the next step will be.
But God says there will be peace, and I wholeheartedly want to believe him.
Because even when I don’t know, He knows. He’s known for quite some time. He’s always had this part of my life in His plan. He’s well aware of what the outcome is going to be.
And I can have peace knowing that He knows. Peace because He’s a really good God, and He’s always had amazing things in store for my life. Doors I didn’t even know could be opened. Honestly, doors I didn’t even know existed! He does that for me. He does beautiful things in my life for me.
“The Lord is near. Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:4-7