It was supposed to crush me.
All signs pointed towards a complete wreckage. I was tossing and turning and waking up once an hour with a panic attack. I wasn’t eating anything more than just a fig bar for weeks. And my anxiety over living alone had gotten so bad that my mom had to come and live with me for a month. I was a mess, and that was only just the beginning.
Sometimes I’d start crying at work. Out of nowhere, just tears rolling down my face and the tiny humans asking if I was ok. Sometimes- most times actually- I’d start crying in the car. It’s a miracle I didn’t get into an accident given how I couldn’t see the road when tears were flooding my eyes. It was a lot of heartbreak for months and months and months.
And in the midst of it, it felt never ending. It felt like I was never going to snap out of the numbness I was in. That I was going to be broken forever.
But 2022 has come to a close, and I can confidently say, I’m still somewhat standing.
I feel strong. 150 Bar Method classes, two 10k races, and a half marathon later. My physical body has done some amazing things! No one could have seen this coming. No one would have thought that I’d be an exercise girlie. But here I am, and I love it.
I feel happy. Walt Disney World twice in one year! Frankfurt, Salzburg, and Prague. All new cities I can say I’ve been to. Then my birthday in Paris. The Eiffel tower with a purple sunset, the 1 euro croissants, and Disneyland Paris. And of course, Disneyland at Christmas time. All over the world and back. What a dream.
I feel loved. By XOXO. My best friends who have seen me through high school, college, and now the chaos of adulthood. By new friends. The connect group leader who became my best friend via Instagram, and the Bumble BFF who walked through every irritating emotion with me. By old friends. Who pick me up from the airport, who always include me in family gatherings, and who decided to fight for our friendship. These people have loved me through and through.
So while the year started off rocky- potentially the worst year of my life… It didn’t end so bad.
In the end, I lost one thing. One thing that was very important to me, very special in my life, and very close to my heart. I will probably never get him back again. But I guess I gained lots of other things in the meantime. Things I didn’t know I needed or things I didn’t know I could want. But now things I wouldn’t want to live without.