Bright

I have my first therapy session of the year in an hour.

Meighan’s probably going to ask me about my day… To which I’m going to tell her that I woke up at 1 PM because I pulled an all-nighter to binge watch a Korean drama. I finally went to sleep when the sun started rising… So my day has just begun, and my week has been me glued to the couch, blasting the AC, and watching TV.

And as a result, I’ve spent more time reading subtitles and rewinding when I missed a subtitle than I have been thinking. But now I’ve finished all 20 episodes in 3 days, so it’s time to think. I’m too sentimental for my own good, so it’s bound to happen sooner or later.

God said, “Bright”

That was my word for 2022.

And like most years, it’s not instantly decipherable. The word itself is crystal clear, but what it means and how it’s going to unfold in my life takes a while to make sense. God always gives me something, and then He reveals it bit by bit throughout the year.

At first, I interpreted Bright as an action. I thought it would be the year I got back into volunteering at church and serving in the youth ministry. I thought Bright meant shining God’s light to the youth of Kaneohe. But that wasn’t it. Because I stopped going to Thursday night youth. Honestly, I stopped going to church all together. So Bright wasn’t what I needed to do.

Maybe, I thought, Bright was the personality trait I needed to have. Happy, smiley, cheery, joyful, uplifting. But that was immediately crushed. Because 2022 was the worst year I’ve ever experienced. I was not happy or smiley or cheery or joyful or uplifting. I was depressed and anxious and panicked and alone. So Bright was not who I needed to be.

Then there was the therapy session in July. Quite possibly my most remarkable one yet. We talked, and I told stories. I uncovered deep lies that I had been telling myself and realized what pain I was unknowingly covering up. That’s when Bright made sense.

Bright wasn’t what I needed to do or who I needed to be, it was what I had to accept and cherish about myself.

All my life I’ve tried to hide in the background.

I tuck my thumbs into my fist when I’m nervous, because when I was a kid I was always too scared to raise my hand and draw attention to myself. Even when I knew the answer. Even when I knew I was right. I cross my legs and tighten up into a ball at parties, because I don’t want to take up too much space. I don’t want to get in people’s way or be so obvious. I keep quiet, I look at the ground, and I try to stay as invisible as I can, because I don’t want to shine and be noticed.

But God told me Bright.

And He wanted me to know that no matter how hard I try to fight it, I will always be seen.

Not because of what I do for others. Not because serving in the youth ministry will suddenly make me valuable. Not because of who I needed to be. Not that being in a good mood would mean people would like me more. It was none of that. It was bright, simply because I am.

Because I am worthy of being noticed. People care about me. They really do, and me thinking that they won’t notice if I just disappear is a complete lie.

Because I am worthy of being loved. Mikey walking out wasn’t a reflection of my character but a show of what he wasn’t willing to do for me. Then in the depths of that aftermath, I knew who really did love me.

Because in the end- if no one else saw my Bright- then at least I could know that God saw all along. He knew what it was long before I came to understand it’s meaning, and He wanted me to know it too.