Strong and (fire emoji) (fire emoji)
You look great Meg! Go Meg (praise hands emoji)
(Clapping hands emoji)
Wow! You look great (thumbs up emoji)
You do look great!! (clapping hands emoji) (clapping hands emoji) (clapping hands emoji)
So cute!!!!!
Slay!!!!! (love hands emoji)
And that was just in my DMs. From guys that I barely talk to. From cousins that have known me my whole life. Even from my Filipino auntie- which means a lot if it’s coming from a Filipino auntie.
Elaina caught me after class and said I looked so good. Shellie made me do a 360. Chloe stopped me mid-class, pausing from her tilted seat, to turn over to me and whisper “amazing!” Cheryl texted me “Omo I just saw your story and wow”.
All of these compliments would normally make me want to crawl in a hole. Hide in the shadow, crouch over, and cover my eyes. But not this time.
I knew what I was doing when I bought that outfit. I knew what I was doing when I wore that skin-tight bodysuit to workout. I knew what was going to happen when I took my sweater off during class to reveal spandex hugging my every curve.
And I’m okay with that because I put in the damn work.
What people see is weight loss. What people see is a toned body. What they see is me looking the most fit I have probably ever been in my life. All great things!
But what I see is a girl who dug herself up from the trenches and made it out thriving.
Every time I think about where my life was this time last year, I just want to time travel and go back to her. I want to hug Meg and tell her it’ll be ok. Better than ok! She’ll be incredible.
I want to tell her that it might be hard to breathe right now. It might be hard to exist and keep going in life. It might feel like the world has shattered around you and there’s no hope of it getting back together again. You might not be eating. You might not be sleeping. You might not even be able to keep taking the next step forward. But it won’t always be this way.
One day you’ll be good again. You’ll live in a new apartment with air conditioning and hardwood floors. You’ll have so, so many friends. You’ll be working a new job. You’ll be working out! You will look in the mirror and not see someone who is broken and sad, but you’ll give her a wink and smile because she is shining so bright.
From then to now, it didn’t happen overnight.
It took work.
Therapy session after therapy session. Unearthing the lies I had been telling myself and the hurts I had been holding onto. Deep diving into what I was making it mean and realizing when they didn’t align with reality.
Getting out of my comfort zone. Trying new things and meeting new people. Turning on the part of myself that’s a secret extrovert and trying not to let it completely deplete me. Being social and outgoing and vulnerable.
And crying. A whole lot of crying.
Crying from loss. Crying out of grief. Crying in fear of the unknown. Crying because I missed someone. Crying when it hurt. Crying as if it was the only thing I could do.
Crying every time and all the time, but still somehow mustering the strength to keep pushing on.
That’s the work that I put in. That’s what I did.
In the midst of it being the absolute worst season of my life, I kept myself going. I picked myself up. I woke up each day and did the thing I needed to do. And after so many days of doing this, I’m finally here.
I see a girl who looks great and is doing great as well.