As I walked out the office, the security guard uncle looked at me, gave me a smile, and motioned a thumbs up. I frowned and said, “No, not yet. I have to come back tomorrow.” Then out of pure reflex, I told him, “God is really taking my faith to the end of the line here.”
It feels like over and over and over and over and over and over again, God is taking my faith to its absolute ends.
And it’s not easy. It hurts.
I submit my passport application six months before it was set to expire and four months before my trip to Europe. I paid to expedite the application processing time. I paid again to upgrade to overnight shipping. I checked my application status frequently and waited patiently for it to process. I did all that to avoid the stress of not having my passport on time.
Yet here I am, a week before my trip and still no passport.
My backup plan was to visit the passport agency and see if they could print my passport on site. But to visit the agency I needed an appointment. And to get an appointment I needed to call the national passport hotline. But the hotline worked according to Eastern time.
So on Monday, I woke up at 2 AM to call- only for the phone lines to be so busy that there wasn’t even a dial tone. Then I tried to call again at 7 AM, and the automated response said they were too busy and call another time. And at 12 PM I finally got through to a real-life person, but then I was put on hold for 4 hours. Then after being on hold for 3 hours, the phone call dropped and there was no way of calling back.
I cried.
I cried and I was tired. I cried and I was frustrated. I cried and I didn’t know what else to do anymore. I felt defeated. I felt like there was no possible way this would end well for me.
Then I decided to just go. To go to the passport agency, hope that they would let me through the doors without an appointment, and maybe I’d be able to cry on cue to get them to give me a passport.
And somehow it worked.
Uncle let me wait in line. He asked if I had all my paperwork- which thankfully I had the sense to reprint a whole new application and take new pictures- and then he said wait to talk to someone. Then that someone was able to make me an appointment. And at that appointment, someone was able to take my application and give me a glimmer of possibility.
But she said not yet.
Because after all the mess I’d already been through, my passport was somehow in the mail on its way to me. Where it was? Somewhere in the United States. When it was going to arrive at my doorstep? Potentially in the next 24 hours.
In the end she told me to wait. Wait and see if it arrives. Wait and see if it’ll be in the mailbox the next day. And if it isn’t, then come back. Come and get a copy that she’ll personally print for me. Come and pick it up.
There was a chance I would end up with two passports. One in the mail, and one from the office. Regardless, I was going to get at least one passport. But there was the smallest likelihood that I would end up with more than I asked for.
That’s when I walked out of the office, and I lost it.
You see, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I followed the steps. I listened to the wise people. I prepared myself. And still, somehow it ended up in heartbreak and confusion and loss of sleep. But God was reminding me that I’ll still get what He promised to me. I might even get it two fold. It’s not here yet, but I will surely be receiving it.
The past decade of my life has been a series of doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing and following the steps.
Go to college, graduate from college, get a job, find a boyfriend, become a spouse, get married, start a family. All the steps I thought I’d be taking. All the steps people led to me to believe were the logical sequence of my life.
And I got halfway through the process, but it’s the other half that I’ve been so hung up on. The part that requires no application process or interview panel. The part that’s left up to chance and love- which ultimately love is just a game of chance.
Then when I thought I had finally gotten it down. When I felt like this is the person I feel safe and comfortable and vulnerable with. This is the person I want to build a life with. This is the person I want to argue with and learn how to problem solve with. This is the person that I would want to wake up next to every day for the rest of my life. That ended up in heartbreak and confusion and loss of sleep.
I felt like there was no possible way this would end well for me. It looked impossible, and it felt unbearable.
But God is reminding me that I’ll still get what He promised to me.
It’s not a matter of if it’ll happen. It will happen. God knows it will happen. But when and with who and where will I be in life… Those are the questions that continue to circulate. And those are the questions that don’t matter now that I can fully believe in my heart that God says it will.
And it won’t just happen how I expect it to happen. It’ll happen twice as great as I could ever imagine it to be. That’s how good God is. That’s how good He is to me.
What a lesson to learn.
As a I walked back to my car. Standing outside of H Mart on the phone with Kea. Crying outside of H Mart.
I’m good on the lessons God. No more lessons.
I hear you loud and clear.