Nova looked at her scar, and she said “Gwen it makes me sad looking at it.” To which I said, “But Nova, you can remember it as how God was able to heal her.” Instead of seeing something as this tragic, heartbreaking event, she can see that scar and be reminded that God did something incredible.
That’s what God is telling me today.
Because I remember a lot. More than I’d like to. I wish I could just forget it. Erase the memories from my mind. Have them vanish into thin air. But that’s not how my brain works. I don’t think that’s how God created me.
Instead, I was reminded of all the memories in this place and feelings that I once felt.
There was the time we were all in the pool. Susannah was visiting for the summer, and we all love Susannah. Even Paco, especially Paco. So it shouldn’t have caught me by surprise to see them sitting in the hot tub together or floating on the floatie side by side. Yet it did, and it stung. Kea apologized, Sabrina said her dad was pissed off, and Tait whispered, “Want me to tip the floatie over?” I distinctly remember feeling confused and then incredibly hurt. I don’t think I was phased by what was happening in front of me until everyone kept asking me if I was ok. They were not ok, thus I was not ok.
A couple years later we were at the pool house again. This time in the kitchen. There were whispers and things I couldn’t quite catch. But once everyone dropped the secrecy, I pieced together that Paco had gone on a date. He was dating. I had absolutely no feelings for him at this point, but the idea of someone I spent an unnecessarily excessive amount of time crushing on dating someone else pinched at my heart.
Now Paco is married. Not to me obviously. I was so convinced he would be, but now I am pressing my palms together thanking God for taking me in a different direction.
These memories were so vivid. As I walked through the pool house, everything replayed in my mind as if they had just happened. The feelings were so strong that I almost did feel hurt again. But instead of wallowing, I’m kind of amazed at the journey God has taken me on.
In those moments, I know the emotions were anchoring my heart down to the floor. I know they must have been unbearable. But what I thought would happen did not at all happen, and I didn’t just survive that whole season but I think I came out of it even better than before.
So I don’t have to see those triggers and be reminded of a tragic, heartbreaking event. Instead I’ll be reminded that God did something incredible.
I don’t have to beat myself up for being the girl that holds on so tightly. Holds onto moments and plays them over and over again in my mind. Holds onto feelings and lets my heart get too tangled up in them. Holds onto people or places or things- like little Post It notes with game winning tallies on them. I don’t have to feel so stupid all the time for being this person who remembers so deeply.
Instead, these moments that I remember so well are like little landmarks. Pinpoints in my life of where I was. And when I look back at them- when I feel the hurt all over again- I’m reminded of where I was. But then I look around and I look at my life in the present, and I see just how far God has taken me. I see how He got me through it. I see that I’m not so hurt anymore.
Maybe that’s why God created me to hold onto things. Because in looking back I’m also seeing how much God has done. How much He continues to do.
I’ll never be able to see ahead. God knows how desperately I want to see ahead. He knows how much I want to know what will happen next. But He can’t give that to me. I’m not ready for that. Rather, He gives me what has already happened. And He proves to me that it was incredible then, so it’ll be incredible in the future too. I just need to remember that.