My uncle once asked me why I’m not dating. And the most honest- while also least pathetic- answer I could give him was that I’m just too busy.
That I don’t have a second left in my day for a boyfriend. That I don’t have free time to go on dates. That I can’t possibly fit someone else into my schedule with how much I’ve got going on.
And he accepted that answer. He didn’t pester me further or shake his head at me like some of my aunties do. Because after all, that answer made so much sense. It was just an excuse for him to not bug me any further, but it was painfully true.
True enough that I then went home and reassessed my priorities in life for the next few weeks. To which I realized I need to slow down. I need to stop running my life at a million miles a minute and acting like there are 40 hours in a day. Realizing that I’m the one standing in my way. That if I want to get to where I want to be, then I need to change something right now.
So I did.
I said no to things. No to volunteering more at church, no to helping other people with their projects, and no to anything that I didn’t fully want to invest my heart in. Which led me to saying yes to people I love, yes to things that bring my life joy, and yes to myself.
Which was all great and dandy until someone came along and threw my life for a loop. Someone that could take all of my yeses. Someone who could have all of my time. From the moment I awake to the moment I all the ways. But this was the same someone who then completely walked out. Who spends more time reading about my life online than actually talking to me about my life in person. Because now he doesn’t talk to me at all.
And to deal with the trauma, I’ve thrown myself into everything, everywhere, in full force.
Now as a result, I’m spinning.
This morning I woke up at 8:30 AM, rushed to get ready, rushed to make breakfast, realized 8:45 AM was a little too late to make a croissant sandwich if I needed to leave the house by 9:10 AM to get to Madewell at 9:30 AM. But I was already making the sandwich, so I proceeded to cook. Then I had to throw the sandwich- now a deconstructed mess in a glass Tupperware- and eat in the car. Rushing to get to work. Shoveling food into my mouth at every stop light.
Four hours at work turned into nearly five hours at work. Pacing back and forth throughout the store helping this customer and that customer. Covering the fitting room, helping people try on shoes, and working the register all at once because my managers were in the back going over the schedule. Then clocking out and trying on the clothes I needed to buy before we take inventory tomorrow. Then rushing to Longs to print pictures out for Sabrina’s birthday present, rushing to Target to purchase Willow’s birthday present, and finally rushing to Walmart to purchase the rest of Sabrina’s gift. Capping it all off with a pitstop at home- literally park the car, jump out, run into the house, and head back into the car- before driving to Kaneohe.
Then at the party, all I could think about was how jam packed my schedule would be the following day. I had committed to too many things. 7 AM workout class, 8 AM coaching, 9 AM church, and 12 PM back at Madewell.
My head hurts.
I’m pretty sure I’m losing it.
When I went to Target, I walked around the toy section, kids craft section, and gift bag section before checking out. It wasn’t necessarily a quick in and out. I had to look around for a bit. So when I got to my car and realized I had left my car in drive and mindlessly forgotten to put it in park, I was praising Jesus that it was still in one piece.
All of this: my chaotic and overextended Saturday schedule. All this to say, I’m just too busy.
At least when Mikey was around, I made time to read. In the past month I’ve only managed 30 pages of Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. At least when he was around, I had someone else to cook dinner for me. Because now, left to my own devices I will opt to starve. On more than one occasion I have gone to sleep without eating anything. At least when he was around, I would sleep in and take naps. Goodness I don’t remember the last time I slept in and woke up without an alarm blaring at me.
But now, as a result of trying to rebuild my life, I am running around like a mad woman.
I am a moment’s away from a complete catastrophe. Either not being fully aware and crashing my car into a pole or forgetting I have to be somewhere and getting fired from one of my too many jobs. More than likely, being so overworked and burnt out that I just quit and run away.
Wouldn’t it be nice to run away? Wouldn’t it be even nicer to have someone to take care of me. Or at the very least, someone else to support me. Instead of coming home alone at midnight to do the dishes, water the plants, put away the dirty clothes, and then sit down to write about my feelings and how wild life feels.
Instead I’ll be here.
Spinning.