Of course I talked about Bar Method. I talked about, you know, “oh my gosh, how wild, I taught a class!” “what a feeling!” “who would have thought I would do this?” All the things expected. But the big thought-provoking thing within that reflection was, “wow I discovered something at the age of 28 that I did not think I could discover.” Thinking that ok I have discovered everything in my life that I could possibly be interested in. I have established who I am as a person. This is who I am. I am a teacher. This is what I do. There is nothing possibly more that I could be interested in. And then to have discovered Bar Method and to think “wow you found something else you had no idea you would love and would become such a big part of your life” just makes me think about “wow what else is there in my life that I have yet to discover, who else is there I have yet to meet, what are these things that are going to come up in my life” that I am going to love so very much and become such a big part of my life that I didn’t even realize could happen.
-Voice note sent to Robin 8/24/2023
I didn’t know I could love this.
I was terrified. Truly afraid.
I already had the mic on, so that was one less thing I had to fiddle around with. I walked up to the front of class, turned with my back facing everyone so I could pick the right playlist, and then took my spot center stage.
And as I looked around at the 20 smiling faces staring back at me, I felt loved.
In that moment, I didn’t have to be scared because I was doing something that I loved surrounded by people who deeply love me.
Had you told me in high school that I would love exercising, I would have pointed out the fact that I was barely passing P.E. Had you told me in college that I would workout 3-4 times a week, I would remind you that I had made it my life’s mission to park as close to the Target entrance as possible in order to walk the least amount of steps from my car to the store. Had you told me two years ago that I would be doing barre, I would have said absolutely not.
Yet here I am.
Obsessed with something I did not even think I could enjoy. So obsessed that I am now making a career out of it. Certified Bar Method instructor.
And it made me realize that there are so many things I haven’t fallen in love with yet.
There are things I will do that I come to find out I love. There are places I will travel to that I will fall in love with. And there are people I will meet that I will love with all my heart.
Somewhere deeply rooted in my brain I had believed that this is it. That at 28 years old there is nothing more I could possibly discover about myself that I didn’t already know. That I had figured everything out that was needed to figure out. I had a career fully established. A home fully built. A failed relationship that was unsalvageable. This was everything I was going to amount to. There could be nothing more for me.
Then to have done something- scary as it may have been- and know through and through that I loved it, made me think that maybe I’m not done yet.
That there is so much more for me to do. That there is so much more of me to see. And beyond that, there is someone for me to love. I just haven’t met him yet.
Today in therapy I was reflecting on Bar Method and teaching my first class and one of my big takeaways was that I can’t believe I discovered something new that I now absolutely love. Like had you told me two years ago-even last year maybe- that I’d love exercising and I’d love Bar Method and that I’d be teaching it, I wouldn’t have believed you. But here I am!
And in the grander scheme of life, I realized that there are still things and people and places that I have yet to discover I will love.
I don’t know why, but I thought “ok I’m 28 I’ve discovered everything there is to discover in life”. As if the people I’ve already loved are the only people I could ever love. Or the things I’ve been doing are the only things I could ever do. And that there is no possible way I could fall in love with something new.
And yet here I am falling in love with something I only discovered last year! And it makes me really hopeful that maybe I’ll fall in love with a person I haven’t even met yet and they’ll become a huge part of my life also.
-Text message sent to all my friends 8/24/2023