My deepest, unspoken, fear is to inconvenience people. That’s why I cross my legs and pull in my arms to take as little space as possible when sitting in a group. That’s why I’ll hold my pee the entire flight to Barcelona from San Francisco as to not wake up the person sitting in the aisle seat. That’s why I sit for hours doing nothing instead of going home because I’m afraid if I get up to say goodbye then I’ll interrupt the people from watching their movie so it’s best I don’t get up at all. My fear of inconveniencing people is why I do a lot of the things I do at my own personal cost so I’m not causing other people discomfort.
I feel like an incredible burden when people have to go out of their way for me.
*Unless you’re Cassie or mom or dad, then I will be a lazy bum and do nothing and make you do everything.*
And this Good Friday, I have been crying over and over at the thought of Jesus sacrificing His life for me.
Because He didn’t just stop to pause and grab me a cup of water. He wasn’t moving out of the way so that I could push my shopping cart around the aisle. It wasn’t simple or easy or quick. He died. For me.
He was spit at, ridiculed, and embarrassed. The people shouted mean things and called for Him to be crucified. His body was beaten and broken. They pierced through His skin and nailed his wrists and feet to a wooden cross. A crown of thorns was pressed onto his head. All of this suffering for me.
I can hardly muster up the courage to ask someone to turn down the car AC so I’ll sit freezing cold for the entire ride, and here Jesus is sacrificing His body for me. And I have absolutely no idea what I did to deserve it.
Because the more I think about it, the more I don’t deserve it. The more I know without a doubt, I am not worthy of that type of love. I mess up, I make mistakes, I sin, I disobey, and I’m stubborn so I go my own way. And so I don’t believe that I am someone worth dying for. But the reality is that regardless of what I think of myself, Jesus died for me anyways.
And since He did- since He loved me so much- He put His body up as a ransom for my life. He paid the price so that I could have a chance at life and life eternal.
The Bible says that as Jesus gave up His spirit, the veil of the temple tore. The physical curtain that kept people from bringing sacrificial offerings was broken. No longer were people barred from entering the sacred space, and no longer did people have to offer sacrifices when in that sacred space. Jesus made a way for us to be close to God without rules and regulations and limitations. And then He took it further and He gave us the Holy Spirit. So now we can be close to God, but also God can live in us.
If it were up to me, I would have told Jesus that He doesn’t have to come into town to visit me. I would have said I’ll be fine and that He doesn’t have to worry. But it wasn’t up to me. And just as much as He did then and as much as He will now, Jesus will always come to me. There is nothing I can do that will ever feel like an inconvenience to Jesus.
And so I’m reminding myself that even though it pains me to see Jesus’ discomfort at my expense, it was His suffering that made way for me to be close with God.