I’ve been here before.
(September 14, 2016. I wrote about it.)
The deep well of loneliness. Feeling like I have absolutely nobody on my side. Things not working out the way I thought they’d work out.
It’s not a new feeling.
I remember laying in my twin size bed, squeezing my sheets through my fingers, and crying my heart out. I remember how hard it was to be newly graduated from college, in a state away from family, but most of all with no friends nearby. That was in 2016.
And here I am again.
In an apartment all by myself, still far from family, and no friends nearby. It’s 2022.
Loneliness has been the chronic mental illness in my life that likes to make its way around every few years. It likes to come and bring me down. A feeling of helplessness. A feeling of complete and utter despair. It causes uncontrollable tears, sleepless nights of tossing and turning, panic attacks that make me feel like I can’t breathe.
And this time, it’s coming in strong. It’s taking the fact that I got to spend two weeks at home with friends and family and using that as a weapon to hurt me. Because now I’m not with friends and family, I’m alone on my couch. And loneliness is trying to tell me that my life is in ruins and that it’s never going to get any better than this. It’s using the time I have alone to instill a message that I’ll always be alone no matter how hard I try.
Which then made me cry. So I talked to my therapist, and I cried to her. Then I ate a pizza and watched a movie and paused it halfway through to cry a little bit more. And now I’m laying in bed writing this with tears still in my eyes.
Because yes, I’m lonely. Yes, I miss my friends and my family and the ease and simplicity of being home- so close to people I love and care about. But my life isn’t in ruins. Let me say that again- just for myself- my life isn’t in ruins.
I love my life in Hawaii. I love what I’ve built for myself here. And even though my job has been exhausting the past few months, I love what I do.
This loneliness I’m feeling isn’t going to cripple me forever. It’s just a season. Potentially a very long one, but just a season.
Because I’ve been here before.
(March 24, 2017. I wrote about it.)
The freedom of being on my own. The ability to do what I want when I want. Not being tied to anything or responsible for anyone. Given the space and time to reflect on my life.
I was alone then too, but I wasn’t lonely.
And hopefully one day in the near future, I may be alone but not feel so lonely.