In 2022

Just Numb

I don’t often feel the need to cry anymore. Although I have cried twice this week. Three times if you include the tear up during therapy. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m doing great, maybe just ok. Surviving. Making it through as best as I can. Most days I just feel kind of numb to the emotion.

Not necessarily sad I don’t think. Things have been ok. I go to Bar Method. I eat my vegetables. I sleep at 9 PM knowing I’ll wake up throughout the night and so going to bed early autocorrects my poor sleeping patterns. I eat breakfast. I do morning devotionals. Then I repeat and do it all over again.

Not necessarily the happiest either though. Things have been ok. I’ve gotten to go to Disney World and Disneyland in the past month. That was exciting. I bought a new wallet for a dollar and new sandals that crisscross above my feet. Chloe has these cute heart shaped sunglasses, but really anything she does is cute.

I’m going through the motions- living out each day. Trying to be as present in each moment as I can. Trying to absorb whatever the situation has to offer me. But I still go back to just feeling kind of numb.

My dad said my blog posts don’t have the same uplifting and happy ending that they normally would. It’s missing that optimism and “it’s going to get better” final note. But if I’m being completely honest, I’m just not there yet. I am smack dab in the middle of the mess, and I’m just trying to find my way out as unscathed as possible.

And so I can’t quite pull apart my highs from my lows. I don’t know which one is stronger and which one will end up on top. One moment I’m giggling at myself for purchasing five pairs of new sandals and basically creating my own Madewell shoe display. Then the next I’m having a hard time getting out of bed because the weight of “just keep moving on” is too heavy.

Truly the only thing that is going to help is time. Which sucks because I can’t speed it up and get it to where I need to be. Not that I even know where it is I need to be. Not that there will ever be a definite moment in my lifetime where I could say “this is when everything makes sense.”

So I guess for now I’ll just keep counting backwards in order to look forward… Of the time that has passed so far. The time that I’ve successfully made it through. Two years. Five weeks. Two weeks. And then maybe some days more until maybe, just maybe, I’m not so numb anymore.

You Might Also Like