Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep through the night, or feelings of restlessness?
Yes, maybe more than half the time.
Feelings of anxiousness or hopelessness?
Yes, maybe less than half the time.
Little interest or pleasure in doing things?
Yes, maybe several times.
Feeling tired or have no energy?
Yes, maybe several times. *But I am a preschool teacher, so is there a time when I’m not tired…*
There were more questions than these, but those were probably the ones that bumped my score up. They’re probably the reason why my questionnaire results red flagged my doctor and prompted her to ask if there have been any big life changes. Which, yes, there have been. Big enough life changes that would cause her to diagnose me with a current mild episode of depressive disorder.
And I had to hide a little bit of a giggle, because it was absolutely no surprise.
Yes, there are days when life feels heavy and getting out of bed in the morning is the last thing I want to do. Days when my feet are dragging and subsequently my entire mood drags along too. Days of suddenly crying and breaking down without a moments notice just because crying is the only thing I can do. These days have been more frequent in the past couple months. They might occur weekly, if not sometimes even daily.
They’re not my favorite days. Can anyone really say they enjoy driving down the street and then suddenly their eyes are flooded with tears? I don’t think so. At least I haven’t enjoyed it. Not the panicked breathing in the shower. Not the waking up throughout the night and rolling over here and there around the bed. Those aren’t fun.
But after ten weeks, I can somewhat, maybe, possibly say that I think I’ve grown just a bit.
I don’t choke up leaving the parking lot and seeing no familiar car in its parking space. I don’t have a panic when I’m sitting in the apartment on my own. I don’t even cry myself to sleep at night anymore- well maybe just once in a while.
I can go to work and think straight. Be present with the kids and have silly conversations with them. I have a new exercise routine and have lost almost 15 pounds thanks to it. I’ve been praying, reading my devotionals, and writing- yes lots of writing. All these things I didn’t do before but now do pretty often. They help me get by…
After we went over all the questions and I explained the situation to my doctor, she looked at me earnestly and told me that it’ll just take time. With the most caring of intentions, she reminded me of what I already know and have already been told weekly by friends and my therapist alike, that this will all just take time.
And while this mild episode of depressive disorder has felt like it’s lasted an eternity, I can look back over the weeks and see how through time things really have gotten better. And with time, they will get even better.