I have at least four unfinished, unpublished pieces of writing. All of which I started with great intentions to be able to process what I’m feeling and sort through the confusion in my head. But each time, I start strong and I don’t know how to keep going. I journal my thoughts, but then I question whether what I’m writing is true or whether I’m just being dramatic.
And I’m trying so hard for it to make sense. To write something that is decipherable and relatable, but I’m a hot mess right now.
Jumbled spaghetti. I used to tell Mel I feel like jumbled spaghetti. Because once spaghetti noodles are cooked and mixed around you can’t really pull them apart. You can’t really sort through it and tell one from the other because it all meshes into one big mixed up pot.
Everything that I’ve been feeling and thinking and crying over, it’s all just jumbled.
And instead of trying to figure out this mess, I’ve been sweeping it under the rug bit by bit. I’ve been trying to hold it together just another day. Trying to make it one moment at a time. But now, the emotions are ready to explode.
For the past week I’ve literally not allowed myself a minute to sit and listen to these thoughts or replay those conversations that needed reflection. The list of things I needed to do became so long that I wanted to cry and panic. From the moment I woke up to when I finally crawled in bed, I was moving and trying to get everything done. I have clean laundry from last week still sitting in the laundry bag instead of being folded and put away. I have a massive cold sore on my lip either from the six-hour preschool beach day where I fried in the sun or from being so frantically stressed that I was biting on my lip constantly. I’m juggling three jobs, marathon training, exercise classes, church commitments… All while still trying to have a social life, take care of my plants, and get enough sleep at night.
Someone I love used to tell me to just do the next thing. To do what I could right now and not worry about the long list ahead of me. And that’s what has been keeping me sane. Amidst a fully packed schedule, I’ve just been trying to do the next thing.
And now that next thing is to take care of the spaghetti of my thoughts. To think back on that conversation about moving back to California. To reflect on what my life has been like and what I want it to be like in the next five years. To be proud of the person I am. It’s time for these passing thoughts to become full blown ideas.