In Protected

I Wish I Could Erase It All

I wish I could erase it all. Everything. All of it. All of you.

Ok maybe that’s being a little bit dramatic. I probably don’t want to erase all of it. Maybe some of it. At least most.

Because it’s all I think about. It’s a trigger everywhere I go.

The grocery store you took me to. The street we drove down when you wouldn’t talk to me so I stared out the window and fought back tears. The Jack In the Box we got midnight fast food from. The text message you would send me whenever you finished a flight safely. The Post It with a tally of who won more games of Exploding Kittens. Damnit even the phone case I use was your old one. Everywhere and everything reminds me of you.

And unless I keep myself absolutely occupied, then it’s all I think of.

It’s exhausting and infuriating.

Because that means I always have to be busy. I have to be running miles or chasing children around. I have to be reading a book or working extra hours at Madewell. I can’t just sit still anymore or let my mind relax because as soon as it does, I think about you.

How is it even possible to love you this much after everything you’ve done to me. How is it even fair? For me to still care so deeply about you. To have prayed every night for the past six months that you are doing well. Better than well! That you are succeeding and you are achieving everything you’ve ever wanted. Not once did I ask God to spite you, even though I wish He would. Instead I pray and I ask God to give you a big hug for me. To wrap you up and cover you with love. To give you that feeling you get when I would rub your back before bed. That’s what I want for you. Only the absolute best! Even after you’ve put me through absolute hell.

So if you’re wondering- and you’re probably not because you broke up with me after all- I still think about you. As much as I don’t want to, I always do.

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