“Looking at the resv now. Both sfo & lax don’t look good anymore.”
That’s all it took before I started crying.
I’m supposed to catch a red eye flight to California. I’m supposed to land early in the morning and get to Disneyland before the park opens. I’m supposed to rope drop and get brunch at Lamplight Lounge and take pictures with Mickey and Minnie in their Halloween costumes. It’s supposed to be a great weekend!
But instead, I’ll probably not get a seat. So, I’ll have to say goodbye to my mom at the airport and walk to my car by myself. I’ll have to drive myself home- alone- to which I’ll probably start crying the moment I come down the airport escalators. Then it’ll be a whole weekend of being painfully on my own.
I hate this feeling, and I can already feel it even though it hasn’t happened.
Update, the plane had a weight restriction.
So instead of 18 people getting on, only 8 did. Instead of sitting on a fully boarded airplane, I sat in my car alone. Instead of getting to go to the happiest place on Earth, I’m all by myself at home.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly. But I was at the airport, and the last time I cried at the airport I absolutely lost it in front of everyone nearby. The fact that there even was a last time is embarrassment enough. So instead of crying I tried to hold it all in. I tried to bite my lip and tell myself it was ok. If Meighan knew what I did she wouldn’t have been proud. She always tells me to leave room for that emotion- whatever it may be.
But the thing is, if I leave room for this one it will completely overtake me. It will suck me in and drown me out. If I leave room for the deep well of loneliness I feel, then I may never find my way out.
Because this happens every time.
It happens when I come back home from a trip. It happens after my mom leaves and goes back to California. It happens after the holidays- especially after the holidays.
I’m reminded I’m alone.