She had suggested going somewhere for dinner. I suggested ordering takeout and eating at my house. I knew we were going to cry. No way was I going to ugly cry in public.
And sure enough we cried for hours.
I stood up ready to hug her. That’s what always happens. When there aren’t words to say anymore, we get up and we hug each other. Then we just hold one another close as if by squeezing as tight as we can the love will be felt instead of said.
As we stood there hugging each other and crying- ugly sobs outdoing one another, pieces of her hair in my mouth, and the foundation feeling like it was growing from under us- I took a step back and told her, “I never thought we’d get here.”
And that was the absolute reality!
After we stopped talking for the better part of a year. After we didn’t see each other anymore or hangout unless it was in a big group setting. After everything seemed to fall apart. We were completely removed from one another’s lives.
It took months of therapy for me to come to a place where I could let her go. Where I could put myself in a position where I loved her but did not have to expect anything in return for the love I was giving her. Because for months I had put myself on the line to show that I cared, but nothing was reciprocated. She always pushed me aside. So I had to accept that I wasn’t a priority- nonetheless an option anymore. I had to love her from afar.
Meanwhile, she was feeling the same way but different. Feeling like she had already messed up so badly and hurt me too much that it would be better off if she left me alone. The thought that maybe she could love me but not interfere with what I was doing.
What a realization. I told her that it seemed like we were both on the same page. We both wanted the same things for one another and wanted what we thought was the best way to approach that. But even knowing that now in retrospect, there is no way we could have resolved any of our differences during that season of life.
It wasn’t possible! For reasons that only God knows and God can explain, we would have never been able to meet each other halfway in the seasons we were both experiencing. So we had to. We had to go through the absolutely painful process of separating in order for us to come back together whole again.
So here we were. Holding each other close, crying into each other’s hair.
We never stopped loving each other. We can both agree. Through everything that happened we continued to pray for one another and hope the absolute best for each other’s lives. It was the best we could do given the circumstances.
And I guess when love keeps running, eventually it starts to show up again. If it’s a well that keeps flowing, then sooner or later it’s going to spill out until everyone starts to take note.
That’s what we got to witness. That’s what we get to be part of again as we begin a new journey together.
Together, again.