I haven’t done this in a while. I have file after file after file of unfinished, unsaved, and not ready to publish reflections on life. That’s what these are.
In the past, I’ve set aside time to write for advent. To stop and pause and intentionally reflect during the season where the world prepares for the best present we never knew we needed. That wasn’t really my plan this year. But when I start uncontrollably crying during one of my devotional prompts, I think it’s a clear sign of what God wants me to do next.
Because I haven’t talked with my therapist in over a month.
Because I have so many emotions and I feel such a wide array of them.
Because I better understand myself and my God through this process.
Here goes nothing.
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If I am viewing Jesus as the Light of the World then my understanding and definition of Him is that He shines through darkness.
In my world, this happens time and time again.
When everything goes black.
Back in high school when my parents got a divorce and again just last year when my favorite person didn’t want to be part of my life anymore. When the broken relationships that shattered my world led to complete and utter confusion. Everything seemed hopeless. But God was there. God was holding my hand. God was giving me light.
Because He is who He says He is- He is the Light of the World.
So in knowing who He is, in what ways do I long to see Jesus as the Light of the World in my life now?
That was my devotional prompt.
For Him to be the light, then I would need to define what my current darkness is. What the current place of hurt or frustration or pain is in my life. Where the unanswered prayers linger on and on and on.
And I know exactly where that place is. I know exactly what prayer that is.
In my present darkness, I want to release the relationship that is no longer meant for me.
I want to let go of what I knew and the seeming “light” that was brought to my expectations of a partner and of marriage and of a boyfriend. Because in reality, that wasn’t light. That was darkness enveloped in darkness blanketed by more darkness. But for so long I let myself believe that was light. It was the closest I had ever come to my prayers being answered. So I let my heart believe that was light.
The problem is, I can’t create light. Not on my own. Not by my own doing. I am not the Light of the World.
And now I’m accepting that the current darkness in my life is falsely believing I could figure it out on my own and holding onto the season where I tried to. That’s a darkness the enemy has planted deep in my soul. So deep it has created roots around my heart that make it hard to see past. Make it hard to see the light.
Because the light is in knowing that God brings clarity. He knows. I thought I knew but I didn’t, but God actually does know. And that’s the light I need in my current darkness.
“In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. That light shines in the darkness, and yet the darkness did not overcome it.” John 1:4-5
No matter how much darkness I have. No matter how many times I think I know it all, I think I can do it on my own, I think I don’t need God… I can invite God into that darkness and know that He will never become part of it. There will always be a separation between the light and the dark, and the Light of the World will always win.