In 2022

Completely Unattainable

It’s every girl’s dream. The sparkles and the tulle. The sweet heart necklines and the veils. The moment we’ve all dreamed of since we were kids. Pins on Pinterest and saved photos on Instagram. An experience I’ve thought of for most of my adult life.

Yet there I was. Hesitant to touch anything. Afraid even to look through the racks. I didn’t want to look at anything because I didn’t want to imagine anything because everything- that entire life, that possibility- feels completely unattainable.

The idea that one day I’d be searching for my special dress for my special day… It’s hard to believe it’ll ever happen. I don’t think it ever will.

A dream that I’ve imagined up for years and years as an adolescent girl with her head in the clouds now a far, far away reality. Something so dreamy that maybe it’s just that- an experience only in my dreams.

As a teenager with high hopes, the master plan was always to be married early. Have the dress, throw the party, live out a fairytale. I wanted love, marriage, then a baby carriage. Just like the song said. But as I got older and the high hopes were crushed by reality, I accepted the truth of what my life looked like and that living out the song wasn’t as easy as it seemed. So, I pushed back the dreams. Back and back and back with each failed relationship. Never getting any closer to what I wanted. Instead just farther and farther away from what I hoped I would be able to finally enjoy.

Then when I finally felt like I was making some progress- the closest I could have been- everything was out of order. Complicated and undefined. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t step by step. But I loved most every part of it. I loved the life I was creating. Yet somehow, it was still all wrong. A mix up of sorts. And then now, not even something I can hold onto anymore.

Now more than ever, the life I’ve always hoped for- the life I could only ever dream of having- feels like something that will never be the life I’ll actually get to live.

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