I cry a lot.
Probably more than the average human. Definitely more than most people I know. I just do. I cry often.
But it’s been a while- in Meg standards- since I had an eyes flooded, heart frozen cry. There were lots of those in the beginning of the year as I left the holidays with my family and returned to island life on my own. There were some watery eyes as I zoomed my way through season 2 of Sweet Magnolias. But no big cries in the past few weeks.
Until tonight.
A cry that instantly blurred my vision with tears. A cry that broke what strength I hold into small pieces. A cry that just made me feel downright sad.
And it was because I was reading my Bible.
Not just any passage though. The scene where Jesus gets beat and broken. When the Jews shout to crucify Him. When His body is nailed to a cross and He’s to carry it even after his body has been tortured. When He’s bleeding and in pain and moments away from a horrible death.
I cried my heart out and I’m doing it again right now.
Because it absolutely breaks me to know that my Jesus was treated this way. That the man who performed miracles, walked on water, healed the sick, brought the dead back to life… That this man who did amazing things for no money or fame in return, He’s being mocked and belittled. He’s not just being put in prison, but the Jews are demanding the most physically painful death possible.
So I cry these big cries.
For things like Jesus’ death, but also for little girls who are sexually harassed by grown men. I cry during the deep pits of my loneliness, but also in the moments when I see my preschoolers struggling to get their words right and articulate their thought processes. And as much as I cry in the sadness, I cry in the joy as well. I cry through the worship song that reminds me my God has never left the throne buts sits rightfully on it as He always has. I cry because sometimes the world around me surprises me with its beauty or kindness or light.
I feel emotions on an astronomic level, and I know God created me this way so that I will always understand the depths of His love.
Jesus dying on that cross feels like an absolute injustice and had I been there I would like to think that I would have run in the middle to try to stop it. But Jesus dying on the cross is also the most amazing act of love and redemption between Jesus and God; and God and Jesus; and God and His people. It is the most painful and wonderful thing I’ve ever known.
And so my range of crying varies from absolutely painful to incredibly wonderful and everything in between. God made me this way. To sympathize with injustice and love and everything in between.
Because the Holy Spirit is strong within me.
With whatever it may be, I feel it deeply.