In my first every therapy session, Meighan asked why I was there. She asked why I felt like seeking out therapy.
My answer was simple. I told her like many other people that year- the pandemic year- I felt lonely. A no-friends-to-hang-out-with, a no-family-in-close-vicinity, and a no-work-to-spend-my-day-at type of lonely.
And somewhere in my naïve mind, I thought that maybe therapy could solve all this. Maybe if I talked to someone and let it out in the open then it wouldn’t be so big of a problem anymore. Kind of like when you get lost, so you ask someone for directions, then they give you directions, and you’re not so lost anymore. That’s what I thought I was going to get out of therapy. Directions to not be so lonely anymore.
But it’s been a few years, and I’m still lonely.
Maybe not in the same way that I was when the world shut down. Maybe not even in the same was I was feeling lonely last year. I think it’s different, and I think it’s tricky to pinpoint. That’s why it keeps coming around like a lingering cough that you just can’t get rid of. That’s why it changes and alters, but it still always hurts in the deepest parts of my heart.
And this loneliness I’ve felt has been the disease that has plagued much of my adult life. Not my teenage years. Not my college years. Not even the first couple years after moving to Hawaii. Maybe just the past few years. Definitely the past few years.
When I first started feeling it, I put myself out there. I realized I missed the close-knit friendships I had in college, so I tried to seek those out again. I started going to a new church and attending a new connect group. I turned on my social butterfly and actually did things with people.
Then for a while it actually worked. I clicked with people that felt like family. Honestly, they were my family. I knew I was comfortable with them, because I could fall asleep around them. On the couch, in the middle of watching a movie, in the middle of all that noise, I could just fall asleep. That’s what I do with my family. That’s my Crisostomo super power. But it only happens when I feel calm enough to let all my guards down. Soothed enough to know that I can shut off and be ok. And with them, I knew I could be ok.
Until one day I wasn’t ok anymore. That hurt. That put a massive crack in the cement foundation that had been poured over my loneliness. Which then led loneliness to seep back into my life and make me question everything.
My worth. My importance. My value. Was I even being seen? Or was I just invisible?
Those question floated around quite a bit. They made their way to the forefront of my mind and pretty soon they weren’t questions but facts I let myself believe were true about me.
Then along came someone who saw me.
Saw me enough to buy me four ice creams, because I love ice cream. Saw me enough to text me and ask how I was doing, invite me to watch movies, and drive me to camp because I hated driving to camp.
When most people see me, they see this girl who has her life figured out and she travels the world and she goes to Disneyland like all the time. Which, yes that’s mostly what I do in life. But I am also this girl who deeply wishes to be taken care of. To be protected and to be held close. Because so often I feel like my life is falling apart that I just wish someone could be there with me to hold it together. To hold me together.
And this person saw that. He saw that I was someone who needed to be held up, so he became my crutch. And I never realized how much a sacrifice that was. Or how much work that was. Or even really thanked him for doing that all those years.
Until one day he didn’t want to see me anymore. That hurt. That ripped apart the fibers that were holding me together. It let loneliness weave its way back into my life.
Those two situations alone have vastly impacted the way loneliness plays out in my life.
Because now I’m afraid to let people in. What if they hurt me? What if they leave me? But at the same time, I so desperately want someone near me. Who can I sit on the couch with and watch movies with? Who can I call when I get off work?
It’s an endless cycle I’ve caught myself in that drives the fear of loneliness in my life.
So my recent approach has been to be so busy that I can’t consider myself being lonely. Go to work, go to exercise, go to sleep. Go to exercise, go get my nails done, go to my other job. Go go go.
And it worked for a season. It definitely kept me going. But now, not only am I exhausted, but I’m lonely and exhausted. Because all these plans, all these extra jobs, all these hours of working out didn’t help me create deeper friendships. It just gave me more things to do in place of the hard work it takes to form soul giving relationships.
So maybe at the end of the day, it’s my fault.
Maybe I don’t know how to be a good friend. Maybe I don’t know how to keep people close. Maybe I’m too much. Maybe I’m too annoying. Maybe I’m too broken and emotional. Maybe I cry too much.
Maybe the reason that people don’t want to be around me is simply because of me. Because of who I am and what I do or don’t do. Because of what I need and what I’m willing to give.
Maybe my loneliness is my own fault.
So now what do I do?