(I tried to write this in my journal, and it just didn’t work out the same way.)
Good luck to the person who stands in my way, because I can and will do anything I set my mind to. Lose 20 pounds because my face looks like a hexagon in all these Christmas photos? Did it; then I lost 10 more. Run a half marathon? I’m already set to sign up for my third one. Go to Point Loma Nazarene University, move to Hawaii, become a teacher… Did it all.
But the one thing I so desperately want to do is be in a relationship. Relationship, get married, kids. I want all that. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted that.
In high school, Cassie would joke that my future career would be becoming a wife and a mom. That there was nothing else in this world I wanted to do besides those two things. That I could devote my entire life to those roles entirely.
But what do those things require? Someone else.
Someone else.
I can’t just force my way into someone’s life. I can’t make them love them. I can’t pressure them into being in a relationship with me.
So far, everything I’ve done in life and all that I’ve accomplished thus far are things that only involved me. They’re decisions I’ve made on my own about myself. Yeah I had my parent’s support and my sister’s money, but it’s never really impacted anyone else but me.
Yet in a relationship, it’s not just me.
And that’s scary.
Because when it’s not just me, it’s someone else. And it’s not just my choices, but it’s someone else’s choices as well. It’s not just my thoughts and feelings, but it’s someone else’s thoughts and feelings too. So it’s one thing to be in control of my own life and make decisions on my behalf, but what happens when it’s someone else and they get to make those decisions too. I can’t just do it for them.
Trust me, if I could I would have. I would have had Jules move to Hawaii when I moved to Hawaii. I would have had Cooper commit to long distance. I would have had Paco just talk to me already. And Mikey, I would have.
But today in therapy I realized that if it’s meant to be- if it’s the right person- I won’t have to do anything.
I won’t have to convince them to love me. I won’t have to win over their affection. I won’t have to justify staying. Out of their own love, they’ll already choose to be there.
This whole time I’ve been afraid that it’ll never happen if I’m not able to control the situation. But this is something- that in so many ways- is out of my control.