“Clearly this partnership is not working out and is getting toxic. These past few weeks have not been fun and I’m over it.”
I’m trying not to let these words root into my soul. I’m trying not to let them change how I view myself. But they hurt. And they’re making me doubt and question and feel like the worst person on the planet.
Because it’s not the first time I’ve been told it’s my fault.
Either I’m too much or I cry too often. I’m a lot to handle or it takes too much work to be around me. I have too many emotions. I have too many feelings. I’m just someone that people don’t want to be around.
And it’s not random strangers telling me. Not people who pass by me and know nothing about my life. It was the people I loved most. The people who I gave my entire heart to. My sister was one. Mikey was another. And now at work- my one sacred place.
So now all I want to do is be completely invisible.
I want people to forget my existence. I want to hide in a shadow. I want to be small and not noticeable and invisible.
I’d much rather be invisible than to be constantly told I’m too much to handle.
Because then if I’m invisible then people won’t see me. They won’t see how full of emotions I am or how those emotions do often lead me to crying. They won’t know how much work it takes to be around me. If I were invisible then people wouldn’t want me, and therefore, when things come crumbling down it wouldn’t be my fault.
It always seems to be my fault.